A Pocket Full of Roses

In a cleaning frenzy yesterday while trying  to fend off “a mood” I found these roses. A crumbling reminder of yet another relationship that wasn’t destined to be. I’m not sure why I kept these…. actually I forgot they were here. They’re on the way to the trashcan- the vision of them  triggered the memory of all the foolish mistakes I’ve made in my dating life!

I’ve been dating on and off for 10+ years now. The roses–a 3 year relationship that I was so sure was going to be “IT”. He’s a nice guy and it wasn’t his fault. It was me. I  sacrificed what I knew I wanted for comfort and predictability. The idea that a man really cared about me, even when the feeling wasn’t mutual.  More than once I’ve allowed myself be swept up knowing deep down that it’s not really what I want. Today? I am clear on what my old habits and patterns are–and most of the time I make healthier choices.

Friday night an old boyfriend hit up on me–my fault for engaging in IM with him. Fool. His girlfriend is sick, in cancer treatments and he’s hitting up on me. Earlier in the week a man I can not remember contacting or meeting wrote me. He’s on deployment but wants to see me when he gets back (he’s now based here in my town) in June. I have no earthly idea who he is. I don’t remember talking to him, but clearly I did. I have no interest but have been unable to directly say that. I told him I was seeing someone but he thinks that emailing wouldn’t be an issue and asked for a photo. I’ve avoid a response so far.

So, there are two men who think about me and after some period of time still want a connection? I’m flattered, on some level, but….

It’s that time of year again. And, though I don’t really buy into the Valentine’s Day hype, it does have the effect of making me feel somewhat less than whole because I haven’t found that magical Mr. Right. I’ve allowed myself to be sucked into the romantic fairytale of our culture. Again and again. I could rerun last year’s post, nothing has changed and I actually had lobster mac and cheese for dinner Saturday night…..with my mother.

When one gets stuck in that Princess-Prince thing, it’s just a small step to pondering, albeit irrationally, what is wrong with yourself. That’s where the dating sites and self-help books come in. It’s a vicious marketing nightmare. Lose 10 lbs, buy a push-up bra, act prettier, be less assertive, try harder……  You get the point. I’m not doing that, but I used to.

What I am doing this pretty Monday morning is wondering when I’m going to start acting on my intuition, choosing the right path. And reminding myself to  celebrate every day as if I am the love of my life.

Tags: fairytales, hype, reality sucks, relationships, romance, roses

Four Days Left! Are You Prepared for the Most Romantic Day of the Year?

Valentine’s Day is coming and this is your chance to make a big impression. It is a delightful way to say all the loving things you’ve saved up over the last 364 days.

Of course this is a ‘holiday’ that is mostly geared towards men and involves, nay, demands!,  the expenditure of money on a woman. For what? A day of forced excitement and cheerfulness? A romp in the sack that makes up for the rest of the year? Ha.

But, guys. If you play your cards right you might get your rewards too. Apparently, thanks to Tom Birdsey, March 14 is been declared as Steak and BJ Day. Yessiree..  Wouldn’t I love to be in charge of marketing for that one!  The male version of Valentine’s Day where loving women treat their man to a big juicy steak and an equally juicy blowjob. Wow. What’s not to like about that? Unless you’re a woman with a strong gag reflex, a vegetarian, or a woman who hates giving head. If your lady falls in one of those categories, my advice to you is buy a Whitman Sampler from CVS and call it a day!

But, wait!  Women have caught on. And, as we’re always nagging and bitching (except on Valentine’s Day) we’ve come up with a bit of a retort to your day of jollies! Please click and watch…it’s worth it and I can’t figure out how to embed it here. A Woman’s Perspective on Steak and BJ Day.

 

yeah, yeah…I’m just a bitchy old single woman. I know.

 

 

Tags: dating, equality, marketing, relationships, romantic dribble, the hand job, Valentine's Day

Ten Reasons to Watch The Super Bowl

OK I lied, I can only come up with one. Well, two, if you count the great song!

 

Sigh…..

Tags: desire, hubba hubba, sex, tattoos

Want a Stiff D*#k? Bend Over, Please.

Finally, a Senator with balls.  This week, Virginia Senator Janet Howell tried to bring some equality to the battle for a woman’s domain over her own body.   The conservative representatives of the people of Virginia proposed a bill which would mandate an ultrasound for every woman seeking an abortion. Howell added an amendment to the bill–men seeking prescriptions for erectile dysfunction medicine would be required to get a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test!

As Howell and the rest of us might have expected, her amendment didn’t pass. Now a woman who chooses an abortion must be forced to pay for and receive an ultrasound before getting an abortion. Men have no restrictions on what they can do with their body–there are no laws that legislate men in the fashion that women are subjected to laws.  Well, there may be a few laws prohibiting sex with livestock out there somewhere, but you get my point. It’s antiquated.

Oh well.  She got major media coverage on Huffington Post and we got to revel even momentarily in the thought of men being subjected to a rectal exam in order to get their groove on!  They get ED meds covered by most prescription plans and we still struggle for the basic rights to get birth control, breast exams and the right to determine control over our own bodies. In a day where the battle to provide for women’s health got a little tougher, thanks to politics and the Susan Komen Foundation, this story was a pleasant diversion. I can just see all those staunch men cringing and puckering as she proposed her amendment.

I’m not advocating abortion, I believe it’s a choice a woman and her partner should have the right to decide, in private. I’m pro-choice, but I’m also pro-life. Having never been in a position where I needed to contemplate abortion, I don’t believe it’s my place to pass judgment, much less force additional hurdles in an already emotionally charged time in a woman’s life.

Women are seeing their rights being eroded bit by bit by the conservative Christian movement in this country. It’s scary.  I want politicians to leave my body alone and to keep their religious beliefs in church and the home where it belongs and out of the public forum.

Tags: erectile dysfunction, ED, politics, rectals, tit for tat, abortion rights, politicians

Me and My SpongeBob-Boy

Let me take this opportunity to brag a little. I am a bright, good looking, sexy woman in my late 50′s. I have no criminal record, I give a mean blow job and I have all my own teeth. Oh, and I own a house with more than one full bath. What’s not to love about me? Apparently there is something askew because, as my faithful long-time readers know, I am clearly incapable of finding a good match in the dating world. I have found plenty of wack-jobs, married men, morons, sociopaths, pervs and so on…….

I am not actively looking right now though my profile is visible on one of the free dating sites, where it gets very little attention. Until last night. Mr. Jason (Thank God he’s not a Mike or a Joe) is hot to trot for me. We are a 51% match according to the site’s calculation–an overly optimistic assessment in my book . Jason is 3 inches shorter than me and possibly less educated?  His photos included a shot of him in one of those tasselled Mason type hats and the hot pose of him you see above. Sorry, but I had to post that (using the full range of my photoshopping skills I blacked out his face).

His beguiling letter:

how’s it going?!believe me you are extra-gorgeous and you’ve got a very unique style and thats mind blowing.s!Your photo caught my eye as well. You have these gorgeous eyes, and your smile absolutely made my day.u look like a character in one of them romance novel….well Let’s email a little bit to see if we’d get along well. I’m playing in a friendly tournament with some friends in a few weeks, and I’d love to bring a solid partner to cheer me up.lol..so tell me about your pretty self,i want to get to know lot of beautiful things about you…happy new year and hope you are having a wonderful weekend

 

I am contemplating how, or if, I will answer. But, I’m flattered and grateful for the attention.

Tags: cartoons, humor, morons, online dating, WTF

Planning for a Year of Schweddy Balls and Other Personal Delights

In past years I have spent time thinking about the ending year and planning how to approach the new year–not necessarily with resolutions, more like inspirations for a more satisfying new year. That process hasn’t happened yet and I feel adrift in a sea of resolutions and exciting prognostications for 2012.

Consequently, I feel inadequate and ill-prepared for 2012. So, let me offer up a few quick statements as a substitute for deep thinking and naval  (Oops, as a dear reader noted, that should be “navel”) gazing. In 2012 I resolve to:

• Have less indiscriminate sex
• Get tested for STDs–again
• Quit falling for unavailable and emotionally conflicted men (yes, they exist….they just don’t realize their conflictions)
• Lose 30 pounds, tighten up my tummy and lift my boobs to their former, pre-breastfeeding perkiness
• Completely ignore public opinion and follow my own whims and desires
• Explore dating women as an option to my current follies
• Lower my standards and find a job….any job
• Buy a new underwire bra (see above)
• In general, have more fun

And, last but not least…..enjoy more balls–’cause they might not be here for much longer!

What about you?

Tags: dating resolutions, desperation, humor, lofty aspirations, New Year's Resolutions

A Life Unwritten Begs to Be Let Out into The Sunlight

I’ve been absent from the blog world of late… with nothing appropriately sexy to share with you, my dear readers, I just retreated. I’ve got nothing for you now, either but…..

I’m writing on Christmas afternoon… my Christmas starts on Monday afternoon, so this is just another Sunday for me. Sorta. I’ve been listening to David Sedaris today–the Santaland Diaries…what a hoot. I’m wondering if there is a way for me to channel a little of his wicked humor in my writing? I have enough stories to share some wickedly funny episodes and still maintain a straight non-fiction approach, which is kinda sad really.

I have a male friend, one I dated briefly in late spring. We’re talking again and he momentarily suggested we write together. I hesitated, then said yes and then,  he changed his mind! It was probably the best thing that’s happened to my personal writing in over a year. I’m all jazzed up about this now.

Why?

1. I have my own unique story to tell
2. Collaborative story telling would dilute my story… and as I contemplated that I realized that I do have a strong story.
3. It took our conversations and my thinking about a possible partnership to help me realize that I was giving away and negating my own powerful desire to write–each and every time I made an excuse or procrastinated a little more.
4. As we talked about my story and how best to tell it, I got some insight both from him and from my own thoughts. Previously, I stopped in an overwhelmed state from trying to figure out how to structure the story and what  format to use. That process, in effect, paralyzed me.

I’ve come to realize that I need structure. Outlines, plans, lists, and an overall focus for me to stay on task. The plan is to begin as soon as holidays are over and the grandkids are gone. I will treat the book as a part-time job. And, I will rely on my friend to listen, offer suggestions and support and a bit of editorial advice, mixed in with a little unsolicited editorializing (he can’t help himself and I can tell him to piss off as needed) from time to time.

I am excited and scared. I’m giving myself the month of January to get really focused and write. By the end of the month I hope to have given shape to what I’ve previously written with a clear idea of what type of book. I should have enough material to consider approaching an agent by that point… hopefully!

So, I’ll be blogging and maybe I’ll offer up tidbits here and there. I may need additional research material….so if you have some single friends, pass along my link!

 

Footnote: I’ve been writing stories about my online dating episodes on and off for over 5 years now. Last year I semi-started over and have over 30,000 words I think. I just couldn’t figure out how to proceed and get past my misgivings about going public with my sex life and zany episodes in and out of the bedroom.

Tags: clarity, online dating, procrastination, writing

When, Where and Why?

As I was rushing out the door to my part-time job this morning (yes, boss is away and I am blogging on her dime) I grabbed a red jacket out of my closet. It’s somewhat dressy so I don’t wear it very often and can’t recall when I last wore it. But, it would have been on a fall day…it’s not summer wear.

Pulled on the jacket, reached into the left pocket and pulled out a pair of panties!!!!  Heavens. I have no idea when I did that and why.

I do recall a summer night when I ran into a lover at the bar. He was with his buddies and I was alone, I think. We were sitting next to each other, as I know the whole crowd…but none of them knew of our connection. I was wearing a short, sleeveless black dress. I got up to go the rest room where I removed my panties. Returning to the bar I caught his eye and let him see what was clutched in my hand. Then I sat down next to him on the bar stool, crossed my legs demurely, and continued the conversation. He twisted and fidgeted the whole time. When he left , first I think, I got a text about my actions and the ensuing results. It was great fun! I loved his reaction and the sexual charge I got as well.

Those panties were black. These were nude and for the life of me I can not remember how they got there! Is this what old age is like?

Tags: aging, flirtation, memory loss, panties, sexy

Raining Cats and Dogs in My World

It’s been 3 days now since the garage door died. I’ve been holding my breath but feel like I can finally breathe again this morning. No particular reason, just a sigh of relief over the absence of misfortune.

Of course it’s raining cats and dogs (figuratively for 3 weeks, literally this morning) …mostly cats in my world-and my car is NOT in the garage, but… small matter. Though I often wish I was the Wicked Witch, I am not. So melting is not a concern.

I have an all day meeting, a mixture of unpleasant work and good friends. But what I want to visualize is a calm, pleasant evening. It might start with a good strong drink by the fire while I contemplate the Sunday puzzle, still incomplete. And, maybe if I’m very lucky, my special friend will come over for conversation, drink and more.

One can only wish.

Tags: calm, reprieve, simple pleasures

Now It’s Time to Bring In the Exorcist

I love the phrase What The Fuck. It was designed for me. Because I appear to be in What the Fuck Land-every day now. Yet, I’m still smiling so there is a Not What The Fuck God out there somewhere.

As you recall things were going awry in my world. I feared that someone had put a voodoo curse on me.  The fuel tank ran dry-I got 150 gallons and I’m able to use heat for the moment. The coffeepot finally died and I replaced it with a cheapo Krups ($39.99 after rebate) which I hate-it is the loudest coffee pot I’ve ever heard/seen. The computer issue which was really a bad mouse? I bought the new computer out of frustration.

Then it started again. Thanksgiving weekend, Saturday morning to be more precise, the Comcast modem died. Died. The Comcast tech was very nice and scheduled a service call for Sunday morning between 8:30 and 11. No problem-they were, after all, giving me a new modem and no service fee. So when the modem rose from the dead Saturday night I still insisted on a new one and now things are groovy.

But, only for a split second. My NEW computer started acting up and on Wednesday morning it died! Yes, the computer I bought on Nov. 12 died on Nov. 30. When the nice but simple-minded customer service dude at Best Buy asked if I planned to buy a new computer after my refund I nearly went ballistic. “No, I’m not buying a new computer, you’re going to go get another one just like this one and bring it to me. Then you’re going to take them both to the Geek Squad and have all the data transferred from the old, new computer to the new new one.” He started with those calming techniques people use with postal Postal workers. We’re all good now, though the data transfer and resetting up of the new new computer took hours.

But, wait.. That in and of itself surely doesn’t call for an exorcist?

Friday night I get home from work, open mail to find a letter from BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD/ANTHEM saying that my rate is changing, though their “...focus everyday is on improving the lives of the people we serve.…” RIGHT. My $713 a month will now be $834 a month starting Jan. 1.  They devoted an additional page to talking about health care reform and why any change on my part to allow me to live and eat and buy gas would jeopardize my status with healthcare reform. Reads more like a threat to me. Of course there is the whole debate on whether health care reform will survive the debacle we call politics. And heavens, lets not get started on how this marvelous country of ours can’t manage to feed the poor or provide adequate, reasonably priced healthcare.

That was Friday night. Saturday afternoon’s mail includes a letter from my life insurance people. Yep!  Rate increase due to a renewal based on my age. Deep breaths. Though I actually have to chuckle at the spate of shit coming my way. I’m having dinner with a friend so I escape the Demon house for a few hours. Arriving home at 10:30 PM, I hit the garage door opener as I fly in the drive. Yep. It’s broken, door won’t open, though track makes an attempt to move. To my fairly experienced eye I can’t see any obvious issues I might address. Can’t afford a service call quite yet so for now:  Car-driveway. Garage-empty.

Sunday was a day of rest, even for the devil. And, so far Monday is going smoothly. Of course it’s only 7:30 AM. Not touching the television as I think we have a problem there, but I can’t drink this early in the day so I will put that out of my mind.

Swanlady suggests I find a good man who is a ‘fix-it-upper’. I remind her that I dated one or two or fifty of those types and the sliding door off of the kitchen still doesn’t work. Only male-related solutions I can come up with right now?

1. Offer to ‘do’ the service guy(s).

2. Breakdown and date some wealthy old 75-80 year old. I’d have to ‘do’ him too, I’m sure.

If you know a good Exorcist call me.

Tags: bad karma, bad luck or bad living?, Exorcist, voodoo, WTF