I see a woman for occasional therapy, or professional coaching or music-guided meditation….depending on the week. Last week I was blathering on about some of my accomplishments in the dating world – letting go of the Let’s Not Be Monogamous Guy, declining a offer to have my engine serviced and other sundry affirming choices I’d made. We all know that I’m a weakling when it comes to men-the more intelligent and sensuous the less capable I am of holding my ground.
Well, that conversation led me to talk about my move in 1999 from a place where I’d established a wonderful network of friends, a home I loved and kept up, cooking, gardening and entertaining. All of which completely disappeared when I moved to my present location and were made more remote in the process of my decision to separate from and divorce my ailing husband of 26 years.
What I realized was that all the things I’d loved doing, and excelled at, had been jumbled together with Marriage and Wife and Mother. There was Career and Politics too, but not as relevant here. And without that structure, even of a bad marriage- a marriage where we went our separate ways more often than not, I let go of all the things I enjoyed doing and I somehow decided that getting a Man back into the picture would complete me.
It was one of those ah-ha moments where you want to yell out loud, “Are You F*%#ing Kidding Me?” Really. None of things I loved doing and am good at, had anything to do with the ex. And, it’s not like I lost my cooking skills or anything else in that divorce. But, why did I think that finding a man would make it better? What happens when I’ve been in hunt mode is that I put my own stuff to the side.
It was a major revelation and a funny one, in some ways. I can already see how it’s playing out in my daily life right now. I’ve done some work outside and I’m gearing up to start painting the kitchen. I’ve found a book group and made other steps to accept my single status and do things all by myself! I can’t say that I’ll give up looking for that one right man. I like men too much and I know that I want a man in my life. But maybe I’ll start looking at men with a more critical eye… and see if they can really measure up to what I want, as opposed to me fitting into their mold.
Bingo! I truly believe you’re on the right track!
Me too! Thanks.
Hoorah for your ah-ha moment!
Yep! Isn’t it amazing how they pop up right when we need them?
tks
This! I want this ah-ha moment too. I feel so much hope for you and your future. Keep it up!
Well, the ah-ha moment is just one of many we get to experience..this one is more powerful and has produced a powerful shift for me! You’re having your mini ones….
When you have to change who you are to be with someone…you aren’t really with them.
Absolutely true, my dear wise bearman.
A true “aha” moment! What you resist, persist. You’ve resisted being single for a long time and it’s presisted.
Let go. Accept. Trust. Find the joy within yourself and your own life. It’s when you invest in yourself 100% that surprise will come knocking on your door. And even if it doesn’t, trust me, you won’t care!
Hey there stranger… hope all is well in your world.
I’ve always known, intellectually about the resist/persist but it’s interesting to see it at work.
And, as I’ve let go a little I have this onslaught of interesting men contacting me right now…5 to be exact! Funny….
Aha! I feel like I am reading about my own life…except that I have not yet left my (alcoholic and thus ailing) husband of almost 31 years. It will happen, and soon, and reading your post reinforced my positive feelings about my decision. Thank you.
Hi Karen,
My sympathies as I understand the challenges involved in making such a decision. For me it was a mixture of realizing that I deserved to be happy and knowing that I had put years into an unbalanced relationship with a man who took me for granted. I have no regrets at this point.