I see a woman for occasional therapy, or professional coaching or music-guided meditation….depending on the week. Last week I was blathering on about some of my accomplishments in the dating world – letting go of the Let’s Not Be Monogamous Guy, declining a offer to have my engine serviced and other sundry affirming choices I’d made. We all know that I’m a weakling when it comes to men-the more intelligent and sensuous the less capable I am of holding my ground.
Well, that conversation led me to talk about my move in 1999 from a place where I’d established a wonderful network of friends, a home I loved and kept up, cooking, gardening and entertaining. All of which completely disappeared when I moved to my present location and were made more remote in the process of my decision to separate from and divorce my ailing husband of 26 years.
What I realized was that all the things I’d loved doing, and excelled at, had been jumbled together with Marriage and Wife and Mother. There was Career and Politics too, but not as relevant here. And without that structure, even of a bad marriage- a marriage where we went our separate ways more often than not, I let go of all the things I enjoyed doing and I somehow decided that getting a Man back into the picture would complete me.
It was one of those ah-ha moments where you want to yell out loud, “Are You F*%#ing Kidding Me?” Really. None of things I loved doing and am good at, had anything to do with the ex. And, it’s not like I lost my cooking skills or anything else in that divorce. But, why did I think that finding a man would make it better? What happens when I’ve been in hunt mode is that I put my own stuff to the side.
It was a major revelation and a funny one, in some ways. I can already see how it’s playing out in my daily life right now. I’ve done some work outside and I’m gearing up to start painting the kitchen. I’ve found a book group and made other steps to accept my single status and do things all by myself! I can’t say that I’ll give up looking for that one right man. I like men too much and I know that I want a man in my life. But maybe I’ll start looking at men with a more critical eye… and see if they can really measure up to what I want, as opposed to me fitting into their mold.