I met a guy. It happened quickly and was a short burst of intense fire. It threatened to send me up in a fireball. And, for one brief moment it seemed like all the things I wanted might come together in one person.
I laughed and smiled all day long. I remembered things he said and the feelings it brought to the surface. He was funny and wildly off the wall. Bright, well-read, sharp and somehow able to see me. The real me. Absolutely wonderful. Sweet and considerate, saying things that made me feel sexy and alive in a energetic, connected sort of way. Almost too good to be true.
It’s funny how the mind sometimes believes what it wants to believe, sees what it wants to see and hears only those things it wants to hear. He is a fascinating man. So why are there tears streaming down my face? Because I got caught up in the possibility, the dream, the whirlwind and the flames… without, just for a few minutes, stopping to be realistic. I cry for the fantasy, the realization of dream vs. reality and all the other stuff. We had decided that the phrase, ‘all the other stuff’ would be an apt phrase to use when trying to answer a question or finish a thought too big to be contained with mere words. You would just pause and then say ‘you know… and all the other stuff’. And, it would be sufficient for the 2 of us to know and understand.
It’s only been a few days. Hours of phone calls and emails and a date that lasted a whole work day. But, the cold hard reality of today. Monday. I can’t do this-the words I used with him. Thankfully he cut me off and insisted on hearing no reasons. I have a whole shitload of reasons. Distance, schedules, unconstrained, almost uncontrolled impulses and fantastical thinking, possible illnesses. One could gamble on living in the moment-enjoying what presents itself in the very moment. Or one can take a wee step back and think about 1 year or 10 years down the road and pause.
I already have one person with certifiable neurological issues, in a nursing home, depending on me. I can’t have another. I can’t handle a possible neurological condition, treated but undiagnosed. I can’t handle a man who, 6 days in, says he loves me. I don’t want to be the one who has to keep things organized, hold down the fort, make the schedules and keep a free spirit, a person with no filter or internal controls, in check.
Finding the right blend of vanilla and chocolate to suit the palate isn’t all that simple. It just isn’t. Being the tough one, taking the right road, saying “No” is hard. I feel like the bitch. I feel empty. And, I feel relieved. And, I feel all alone.
Yes, I was making good choices and looking out for my well-being. Healthy, intentional, me-centered. I did the right thing-so why doesn’t it feel better?
Don’t tell me I did the right thing, or how I’ll feel better later. No platitudes. I’ll be better by the time you’ve read this-though maybe a tad hungover. My suit of armor will be polished and shined. I will have the mask back on and life will continue as always. I know what I ought and should do and where I got caught up. I am looking out for my own interests and doing a pretty damn good job. My intuition works… in balance with practicality.
But, for just a few days, life got a little brighter and shinier.
Odd, isn’t it, that one can feel concern for the health and happiness of someone on the other side of the world one has never met !
(((((((( Hug )))))))xx
P.S. drink to numb the hurt and regret of painful decisions made, but don’t drink too much that you forget those few bright, shiny days – treasure those as a reminder of what is possible !
That is wise drinking advice my friend. My goal is always to wake up without a hangover!
And, yes it is odd how we feel such concern. I do truly appreciate your continued support when I have not done my part in reaching out to my friends across the pond in this last year.
kisses….
Of course, I don’t know all the details, but I say you need to get him back. When I met Tom, I felt all of those things and heard all those warning voices but ignored them and I’m glad I did. It hasn’t always been easy but I’m so glad I threw ‘being practical and adult’ out the window and kept my head in the clouds. (That being said, I made sure I met his family and friends and introduced him to mine just to make sure he was what he said he was!)
The difference though and one I know plays a big part in yours, is the illness you hinted at. But the distance thing… my brother just got married to someone who lives hours away. They see each other on weekends off and look forward to retirement in a few years when they can be together.
Oh Barbara,
You throw confusion my way. It’s maybe Parkinsons? He seems unconcerned though clearly shows physical signs of some neurological involvement. Is that fair of me? I don’t want to be the strong one forever. I already play nursemaid to a man who didn’t love me enough and with an aging mother that burden will be doubled. Who’s going to take care of me? I think this is self-preservation.
No platitudes. But your wisdom and intuition amaze me.
None needed! Thank you for those kind words… I don’t know that I can lay claim to wisdom in this case.
You never cease to amaze me.
Don’t ask why, because I won’t be able to answer. It’s just a fact, so accept it.
Well, shit.. my dear Nobbly… I’m wondering in what fashion I amaze you. So, should it come to you.. feel free to let me know.