How Not To Charm The Pants Off a Woman

16 May

Naughty me, I’m going to tell the story of a recent dating flop…because I can. I can’t share this anywhere else because I don’t want to be seen as the tattle-tale type. This is a story of what happens when a man lets his dick tell him what to do.

Let’s call him Arthur. I’ve never dated a man named Arthur so it seems safe.

Arthur contacted me on last Thursday through a free dating site. Newly separated but living in the same house. Kiss of death for me, but I agree to coffee on Sunday, after getting confirmation that he was dating ‘publicly’.

We met for a mere 90 minutes. Conversation flowed fairly smoothy and the peck on the cheek at departure was adequate. In less than 2 hours I get this text:” I find you interesting, passionate, beautiful, witty charming and somebody I love to be with,,,oh…and sexy as hell!”

OK. So, flattery is always wonderful and I knew I looked good that day. You know how you look in the mirror and instantly know if you look hot or not?

Monday morning I get an email, it’s waiting for me when I get up. Title: Good Morning Luv.

Tuesday morning, it’s just Morning. Here’s a snippet of his note:

was just thinking about how great a whole day would be.Something I do hope we can do soon. A whole day. Beginning to end.
Haven’t done that in a long time. Wake up(together would be optional)in AM do something you LOVE to do, PM something I LOVE to do and evening something we both lOVE to do. Wouldn’t that be great? It would be for me anyway. No distractions. just sharing our souls for an extended period of time. I’d enjoy that.

Now remember, we’ve had one brief date over coffee and no phone conversations just texting.

I push for a second date and we have dinner that night. Again less than 2 hours together. He’s getting all hot and bothered, I can see it in his eyes. He touches my hand a couple of times and as we walk to the car he grabs my hand. Kiss at car is a bit more personal but I keep it short in a basic “I don’t really know you yet”  kind of kiss. He saunters off to his car looking like a satisfied man. The conversation was pleasant but not riveting. I don’t offer up anything that indicates a growing interest. But, I do notice that he’s talking about all the things we’ll do over time and acts as if the engagement is about to be announced.

Wednesday morning: He calls me Magical in his email as he talks about how relaxed he is in my presence. Pants still zipped at this point.

Thursday morning, 5:29am : He starts with a poem-

“My minds distracted and diffused,
My thoughts are many mies away,
They lie with you when you’re asleep.
And kiss you when you start your day.

Some words to say good morning and to wish I was there next to you.”

Now, I love the art of seduction. And, like many women, flattery will often get you where you want to be. But this? Borderline creepy.

Me: Nice poem-lovely. And, here’s the thing. I don’t know yet if I will have the feelings that you seem to have. We’ve only had 2 dates, fairly short and I don’t have that sense yet. We are getting along nicely and connecting, but I’m not feeling as strong a romantic pull as you are. It’s lovely to be wooed in this way and very flattering. You are a very sweet man and I am enjoying getting to know you.

Maybe we can just take it a bit slower and see how things progress? I don’t want to give you false hope.

This unleashes this torrent of passionate declaration. Before I can even read the email he’s sending texts.  Instead of hearing me he goes on to write that if I would allow him to see me ALONE! that he could make me see how attracted to him I really am. He tells me he knows me better than I think he does.. .I wouldn’t let that man in my house for all the money in the world at this point!

Talk about a man who isn’t listening:

Me:  I don’t want to roll into bed with you just yet. I want us to take a
 leisurely amount of time really getting to know each other. Sex clouds the
 issue sometimes. Don’t you think?
Him:  I believe there is a sexual attraction or I simply  wouldn’t feel it either–and I do. We wouln’t be committing to sex, I
just want the chance to really woo you in the way that I really am. I think it would be very pbvious if we were feeling it being right in a
short period of time. I would like that chance.

I tell him again that he’s moving too fast. Slow down, back off… I teIl him to take a cold shower.

Him: I feels (in response to my question of what he means by wooing me)  like holding you in my arms and really kissing you–no limp little half ass attemps but really kissing you–speaking of asses, I happen to love yours.  I t feels like wrapping your body around me–clothing always optional–and feeling the real magic of touch saying all the things that are real. should be real and can be real. I know you. I know what you want and need.

End of story! I finally sent a succinct note saying nicely that we were done. And, I ignored the next 2 emails. And holding my breath as he’s still looking at my profile. I fear that he’ll be back.

Moral of the story? Don’t lead with your genitals.

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16 Responses to “How Not To Charm The Pants Off a Woman”

  1. Life in the Boomer Lane May 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    Oh boy. I think this guy was having a relationship with himself.

    • deliriouslydivine May 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

      Oh boy is right. Gives new meaning to that phrase, “having a party in my pants”.
      The beat goes on. I guess I should be thanking these guys for blog-worthy material?

  2. bearmancartoons May 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    I just told a friend of mine to slow herself down with that kind of attention she is getting from guys. She keeps meeting guys who tell her all the right things like this guy did…mainly because they can’t wait to bed her and then their true douchebaggery shows up.

    • deliriouslydivine May 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

      Remember, my dear, that we’re not necessarily to blame for this kind of stuff. Admittedly, sometimes we seem to be ‘exuding’ something that bewitches these types. But, most of the time.. they’re just horny assholes.
      I’m much more discerning about who I’m willing to drop my drawers for now a days! Tee hee…..Tell your friend to come read and let me offer her my sympathy and some direction!

  3. sledpress May 16, 2012 at 10:09 pm #

    Good lord. This kind of thing is why I can’t imagine myself meeting anyone online, even if I found myself single and not wanting to be. Why ever do so many men feel convinced that they know exactly what any woman wants? That being coincidentally exactly the thing they themselves want? No wonder he was separated…

    • deliriouslydivine May 17, 2012 at 6:33 am #

      Ha ha. I wonder sometimes why I continue myself! But, look at all the fabulous stories I have to tell…and I hope to morph this experience into a profitable undertaking.
      Arthur certainly helps with that one!

  4. barbarashallue May 18, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    Living in his own world…

  5. KitKat May 19, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    Quoting Paul Simon to you …. Good grief! Haven’t done that since college! “And the song I was writing is left undone. I don’t know why I spend my time writing songs I can’t believe with words that tear and strain to rhyme.” Back off, Buster! Stick to your guns, Sister!

    • deliriouslydivine May 20, 2012 at 9:35 am #

      You are always my fierce warrior! Silly me I didn’t realize he was quoting Paul Simon.
      I’m sticking…. he’s not worth my time or energy!

  6. NobblySan May 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    “Don’t lead with your genitals….” Great line!

    They might be the things that get kicked, or worse – trapped as the door slams shut.

    Oh, try googling ‘Kathy’s song’ by one Mr P.Simon.

    • NobblySan May 24, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

      Aaahhh – bugger.

      i just saw KitKat’s post above.

      • deliriouslydivine May 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

        I think this guy was what you might call a “Wanker”
        by the way.. nice to see you here. Miss you.

    • deliriouslydivine May 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

      thank you.. I consider myself a bit poetic! Never thought about door-slamming possibilities!
      And, to note the following comment—yes, Paul Simon..though I did not know it.. Paul was too mellow for my tastes.

  7. r0seate July 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

    Wow! That’s super creepy.

    • deliriouslydivine July 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

      It was. He still sends me an email upon occasion; he sends a stanza from a song.. I ignore it.

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