Toads, Messiahs and Boobs-Tools for Dating Successfully

I’ve been negligent. I confess.

Catherine the Great is finished. My throat is still…. whatever (Dr. on Monday, details to follow). Life goes on. Abandoned the job hunt for life of beans and 3rd rate coffee. Contemplating side-job as Blow Job Queen of the Universe. Contacted by guy on Okcupid- his name? JOE. I’ve sworn off Joes and Mike/Michaels. Forever. I swear.

Where have I been? No place, sadly. But I think it’s time for me to take a road trip or two.

Where have I been? Well, I’ve started a new, exciting, explosively unique, and can’t-live-without-it blogging adventure, hoping to take my vast experiences with dating and do something productive with them. I don’t know that one can qualify as The Expert if still single? We’ll see. Certainly I can make a list of successes with almost as much ease as I can create a list of utter disasters, humorous nightmares and total lapses in judgement.

Let me tell you about the world of dating blogging. Oh My God. There are people out there passing themselves off as the Messiah(s). The laws of attractions, secrets of fulfillment and there’s even a blog/book/series based on kissing toads…each of her missives is cutely rendered with toad analogies.

Gag me with a spoon.

What I have yet to figure out is whether people have really been reduced to the level of wanting that kind of material? <Idiocracy, the movie> Are we/they buying into these marketing myths about attraction and hyped up “My Prince Will Come” crap? If so, I am doomed to failure NOW. I can’t write that kind of stuff. Won’t.

What I have learned in this short period of pimping myself as a dating expert:

• Quotes draw a lot of attention- the sappier the better. There are 5 million quotes on twitter. When I created a Pinterest account and ‘pinned’ a quote, it immediately got about 8 repins. WTF.
• Anyone can write an e-book and promote themselves poorly-ad nauseum.
• Women are still being urged to use their beauty and bodies to attract the perfect mate.
• Russians will follow you on Twitter.  I can’t follow them as I don’t read Russian.
• There are few people talking sex, trash and sexy lingerie for the over50 crowd. That’s the good news-my path is wide open!

Seriously. This is a little bit fun. A recent post I wrote got a little notice (and I mean little) and I’ve been asked to share it on a bigger blog. Guest posting is apparently the way to fame and money…. I could spend $12,000 to work with a famous blogger to learn how to do that and start making close to $100,000 a year as a blogger. If I drink the Kool-Aid. I think I’ll just keep tweeting cute quotes about life and love and girlie stuff and work my ass off trying to make connections. While avoiding toads.

Single and need some help? Drop a note to deliriouslydivineone@gmail.com and I’ll hook you up…with my new blog. (see, I’m doing my marketing!)

Divine Timeline

Wednesday, March 21

6:10 am-   Alarm. Pee. Pills

6:20 am-  Feed Cats. Coffee.

8:20am- Blueberry skin wedged between teeth.

9:15am-  Coffee with colleague.

4:10pm- Email: “meeting over… on way home. See you soon?”

5pm-   Wine in hand. Back deck.

5:15pm-  Splinter in 3rd finger, right hand.

5:58pm-  Sperm in hair!

7:10pm- Topeka Steakhouse (quasi-business) Late. Breathless.

8:50pm- Hotel room. 6 Women. Wine. Merriment.

10:49pm-  Driving Home.

11:30pm-  Sleeping like a baby.

 

 

OK, So I’m Wrong… I Can’t Give the Cat Away

Why I’ve decided to keep at least one of my cats? Well, for starters–he’s way more available than most of the men I meet.

He’s self-sufficient. Really, now many men do you know who can lick their own privates?

Martin, my cat, is highly intuitive. When I sit on the sofa, which is where I do “me” writing, he magically appears and gets quite close. Sometimes his head rests on my arm. It’s a tad intrusive, but then he rolls over and looks at me piercingly with his green eyes. And I feel loved.

Martin, unlike many men, doesn’t require much attention. He isn’t the whiny type…that’s his brother’s job. Martin eats when I tell him too, does his business discreetly out in the yard and comes promptly, happily, when I call him.

When I think about the things I want in a relationship, he seems to fit many of those, He’s fit and trim, well-groomed. A little younger and quite spry. I don’t think he’s cheating on me and he satisfies me, in his own way. Not jealous of my toys at all.

I’ve had trouble with the concept of knowing what I really want and sticking to that. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for failed relationships. Expectations need to be matched with realistic understandings of what I want and what others can offer me.

A man recently approached me with a vagueness that I let slide. He said things like “it’s complicated” and “but, we lead separate lives”. Each direct question got the “it’s complicated” response, paired with “we can talk about it”. Wait…we are talking about it, aren’t we?  I cut him loose before things got started. Martin never does that kind of double-talk.

Maybe everything I want is here at home. A little catnip, warmth in the middle of the night and a low-maintenance male in the house?

A Life Unwritten Begs to Be Let Out into The Sunlight

I’ve been absent from the blog world of late… with nothing appropriately sexy to share with you, my dear readers, I just retreated. I’ve got nothing for you now, either but…..

I’m writing on Christmas afternoon… my Christmas starts on Monday afternoon, so this is just another Sunday for me. Sorta. I’ve been listening to David Sedaris today–the Santaland Diaries…what a hoot. I’m wondering if there is a way for me to channel a little of his wicked humor in my writing? I have enough stories to share some wickedly funny episodes and still maintain a straight non-fiction approach, which is kinda sad really.

I have a male friend, one I dated briefly in late spring. We’re talking again and he momentarily suggested we write together. I hesitated, then said yes and then,  he changed his mind! It was probably the best thing that’s happened to my personal writing in over a year. I’m all jazzed up about this now.

Why?

1. I have my own unique story to tell
2. Collaborative story telling would dilute my story… and as I contemplated that I realized that I do have a strong story.
3. It took our conversations and my thinking about a possible partnership to help me realize that I was giving away and negating my own powerful desire to write–each and every time I made an excuse or procrastinated a little more.
4. As we talked about my story and how best to tell it, I got some insight both from him and from my own thoughts. Previously, I stopped in an overwhelmed state from trying to figure out how to structure the story and what  format to use. That process, in effect, paralyzed me.

I’ve come to realize that I need structure. Outlines, plans, lists, and an overall focus for me to stay on task. The plan is to begin as soon as holidays are over and the grandkids are gone. I will treat the book as a part-time job. And, I will rely on my friend to listen, offer suggestions and support and a bit of editorial advice, mixed in with a little unsolicited editorializing (he can’t help himself and I can tell him to piss off as needed) from time to time.

I am excited and scared. I’m giving myself the month of January to get really focused and write. By the end of the month I hope to have given shape to what I’ve previously written with a clear idea of what type of book. I should have enough material to consider approaching an agent by that point… hopefully!

So, I’ll be blogging and maybe I’ll offer up tidbits here and there. I may need additional research material….so if you have some single friends, pass along my link!

 

Footnote: I’ve been writing stories about my online dating episodes on and off for over 5 years now. Last year I semi-started over and have over 30,000 words I think. I just couldn’t figure out how to proceed and get past my misgivings about going public with my sex life and zany episodes in and out of the bedroom.

Raining Cats and Dogs in My World

It’s been 3 days now since the garage door died. I’ve been holding my breath but feel like I can finally breathe again this morning. No particular reason, just a sigh of relief over the absence of misfortune.

Of course it’s raining cats and dogs (figuratively for 3 weeks, literally this morning) …mostly cats in my world-and my car is NOT in the garage, but… small matter. Though I often wish I was the Wicked Witch, I am not. So melting is not a concern.

I have an all day meeting, a mixture of unpleasant work and good friends. But what I want to visualize is a calm, pleasant evening. It might start with a good strong drink by the fire while I contemplate the Sunday puzzle, still incomplete. And, maybe if I’m very lucky, my special friend will come over for conversation, drink and more.

One can only wish.

I’m aging.. I’m not aging… I’m aging…

My new job is all about seniors and aging. It’s often rewarding and sobering at the same time. Today I attended a training for trainers on  Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Parts of it were downright scary.

Then I came home to my empty house.

• Learning about how the brain shrinks and becomes diseased with illness and age- Depressing

• Sitting on the back deck with shot of Knob Creek enjoying a balmy fall evening – Relaxing

• Wearing a shawl and thinking that only old ladies wear shawls-Depressing

• Thinking about Fall as a metaphor for this point in my life (shit dies in the fall, drops to the ground and rots)- Depressing

• Knowing that I’m still fucking single and without (legitimate) possibilities-Depressing

• Watching 4 young deer cavort and romp through the stream and surrounding grass- Exhilarating

• Realizing this was the makings of a blog post-Justification for a second drink.

Getting old, alone, is a mixed bag. I”m contemplating drinking my dinner. And, on the other hand, I’m thinking I could rejoice in my being alive, my ability to buy an expensive bottle of Bourbon and the absence of another person with issues- dirty laundry, aging-related problems, etc…. It’s all about balance.

This song comes to mind, for some reason. I think it’s more about the feeling of poignancy than the words.

An Award, Some Personal Tidbits and a Measure of Gratitude

I feel like Deliriously Divine is the blog where I whine and complain too much. And, while that may be true, I hope I bring more to the table. You are loyal readers and I love the interactions I have with fellow bloggers. One such blogger, Winsomebella, has given me the Versatile Blogging award- in a wonderful post rich with tidbits about storytellers. I consider myself a storyteller and one day I hope to have my book on someone’s table and pictured in someone’s blog post.

Writing a blog that is well-written and compelling to others isn’t always easy. The rewards of a story well-done come from the connection with readers. I am always thrilled when I’ve written something that evokes emotion for me and my readers. The last couple of posts have been that way. One was written through tears and the more recent one about men and their parts had me laughing with delight as I captured the essence of my experiences.

This is not a serious, somber blog-for the most part I’m sharing the sexy and not so sexy side of life after 50. I’ve shared other bits and pieces of my life in a previous anonymous blog and if you want to see the fuller ‘me’ leave me a comment and I’ll redirect you. Though many of you have followed me down the road.And, I thank you for that.

As I see it life is full of challenges- a mix of lightheartedness and near heartbreak. The job is to get through each day, often minute by minute. I’m not sure what the next few weeks of blogging hold for me-I’ve taken down my dating profiles and temporarily abandoned the quest. The last two men I’ve encountered, both named John, have tried to push into my life too quickly.

Maybe I’ll find new adventures to share that don’t involve the opposite sex? Can you imagine? This month I’m planning a few outings to new places and events, alone. I miss out on so much because I feel awkward going out alone, but I’m tired of staying at home. So!!

Thank you to Winsomebella for the award, she is such a beautiful writer that I feel somewhat undeserving.

I am supposed to share 7 things readers might not know about me, so here goes:

1. I grew up in a small community of about 500.
2. My first bra was a 36AA.
3. I lost my virginity at age 17, under my head was a pillow from a coffin.
4. #3 introduced me to LSD.
5. My right eye is half blue, half green.
6. I met a married man in 2004 or 2005 and had an affair. It has continued on and off right through the early part of this year. I fell in love with him.
7. I have completed most of the coursework for my PhD.  That was a long time ago and another world.

 

Anything titillating you want to share?

That’s Life

What is it that Frank Sinatra sings, That’s Life…… ? Thursday here and almost through a busy week. This world of 2 part time jobs and a volunteer commitment and a few left over writing projects is making for chaos. Today is a half and half day. I’m presenting (for free!!) to a group of nonprofit directors, topic-blogging for nonprofits. Then I switch over to my new job working in the aging caregiving business. Tomorrow is my retail day. Saturday? I think I’d like to sleep all day.

This isn’t really a post, as you can see, but rather a rambling bunch of words designed to reassure you that things are back to normal. Or me.

Next week I start a more normal routine without all the little side activities I’d taken on over the last year or so. Just straight work. And, for the October I think I’ll live without online dating. It will make a serious dent in my ability to find fun stories and winge and cringe about men, but it will be a welcome break. I’ve gotten invites to 3 events that I am thinking about attending, alone. I know that I’ll feel a bit uncomfortable at one of them but screw it… I’m going. It’s a big deal college alumni event at a very classic estate nearby and I can leave at any point. I always feel that I have to go to events as part of a couple, so I am missing out on a slice of life that I would like to participate in. I’m a skilled public person so it’s not about lacking conversational tools or being afraid of being out alone at night. It’s always been about looking awkward alone-I think it’s easier for men to do this than women. And, I realize that I’ve bought into the cultural myth, ancient as it is, that women should be escorted. That’s a revelation I just had…this moment, wow.

As I head into the weekend I have few obligations- lunch with my brother and his wife and later a get-together with a few good female friends. Maybe as I sort through the clutter on my desk I can sort through the clutter in my brain!  Ha, that’s a novel idea.

Happy weekend to you all. Big plans, anyone?

Being The Adult is So Overrated

I met a guy. It happened quickly and was a short burst of intense fire. It threatened to send me up in a fireball. And, for one brief moment it seemed like all the things I wanted might come together in one person.

I laughed and smiled all day long. I remembered things he said and the feelings it brought to the surface. He was funny and wildly off the wall. Bright, well-read, sharp and somehow able to see me. The real me. Absolutely wonderful. Sweet and considerate, saying things that made me feel sexy and alive in a energetic, connected sort of way. Almost too good to be true.

It’s funny how the mind sometimes believes what it wants to believe, sees what it wants to see and hears only those things it wants to hear.  He is a fascinating man. So why are there tears streaming down my face? Because I got caught up in the possibility, the dream, the whirlwind and the flames… without, just for a few minutes, stopping to be realistic. I cry for the fantasy, the realization of dream vs. reality and all the other stuff. We had decided that the phrase, ‘all the other stuff’ would be an apt phrase to use when trying to answer a question or finish a thought too big to be contained with mere words. You would just pause and then say ‘you know… and all the other stuff’. And, it would be sufficient for the 2 of us to know and understand.

It’s only been a few days. Hours of phone calls and emails and a date that lasted a whole work day. But, the cold hard reality of today. Monday. I can’t do this-the words I used with him. Thankfully he cut me off and insisted on hearing no reasons. I have a whole shitload of reasons. Distance, schedules, unconstrained, almost uncontrolled impulses and fantastical thinking, possible illnesses. One could gamble on living in the moment-enjoying what presents itself in the very moment. Or one can take a wee step back and think about 1 year or 10 years down the road and pause.

I already have one person with certifiable neurological issues, in a nursing home, depending on me. I can’t have another. I can’t handle a possible neurological condition, treated but undiagnosed. I can’t handle a man who, 6 days in, says he loves me. I don’t want to be the one who has to keep things organized, hold down the fort, make the schedules and keep a free spirit, a person with no filter or internal controls, in check.

Finding the right blend of vanilla and chocolate to suit the palate isn’t all that simple. It just isn’t. Being the tough one, taking the right road, saying “No” is hard. I feel like the bitch. I feel empty. And, I feel relieved. And, I feel all alone.

Yes, I was making good choices and looking out for my well-being. Healthy, intentional, me-centered.  I did the right thing-so why doesn’t it feel better?

Don’t tell me I did the right thing, or how I’ll feel better later. No platitudes. I’ll be better by the time you’ve read this-though maybe a tad hungover. My suit of armor will be polished and shined. I will have the mask back on and life will continue as always.  I know what I ought and should do and where I got caught up. I am looking out for my own interests and doing a pretty damn good job. My intuition works… in balance with practicality.

But, for just a few days, life got a little brighter and shinier.

The Wacky, Wonderful World of Blogging

The world of blogging is fascinating…. where else would you find people who let you glimpse into their sex life, the decline of their marriage, depression, family life, the unfolding of a loved one’s death, teen angst,  and so forth.

I’ve been blogging now for two and a half years and have ‘met’ a number of wonderful people from down the road to opposite ends of the world: Australia, England, Singapore, Spain, Canada, the Caribbean and all points in between. To date, I have not had a face to face meeting with any of my fellow bloggers but there are many times when I wish that we could come together.

I’ve offered advice to a 16 year old young woman from Singapore and read the juiciest tidbits from a nurse in Australia, workplace humor and mock venom from Canadians and West Coasters… and laughed and cried with my Brit friends.

I love the world of blogging and I love the offline interaction that pops up here and there. Right now I’m intrigued by someone who pushes all of my buttons and a few of my triggers. Worlds away. What fun.

Is there a virtual meeting place where we can reach out and touch, feel the essence of another? Something sci-fi like…or reminiscent of The Matrix.  In some ways we experience a one-dimensional world as bloggers…yet the offline interaction as well as the commenting gives us more of a fullness for the person on the other side of the computer. We may never see this person or know if the nurse is really a nurse, or even if Divine is a woman (and if you’re in doubt, tell me… I’ll send a photo), and yet we often see more of their lives than the people around them are allowed to see. It’s an amazing world, this world of the personal blog.

I’m a tactile person, so this realm is ultimately unsatisfying for me. I want to see you in person, I want to touch your white beard or poke at your little dog’s tail…. see your camera, feel the heat, get inside your brain,, touch your bear fur and hear your school stories up close and personal. This world fulfills much of my desire to share and explore my horizons in a way I could never do here in my own community…yet it leaves me yearning for more– often.

Tell us about your blogging experiences.

 

Footnote: One of my old favs, no longer active, was a blog called Sick Days, life in a world of corporate dogs. Brilliant stuff, if you’re reading this my dear AlanT.