A Life Unwritten Begs to Be Let Out into The Sunlight

I’ve been absent from the blog world of late… with nothing appropriately sexy to share with you, my dear readers, I just retreated. I’ve got nothing for you now, either but…..

I’m writing on Christmas afternoon… my Christmas starts on Monday afternoon, so this is just another Sunday for me. Sorta. I’ve been listening to David Sedaris today–the Santaland Diaries…what a hoot. I’m wondering if there is a way for me to channel a little of his wicked humor in my writing? I have enough stories to share some wickedly funny episodes and still maintain a straight non-fiction approach, which is kinda sad really.

I have a male friend, one I dated briefly in late spring. We’re talking again and he momentarily suggested we write together. I hesitated, then said yes and then,  he changed his mind! It was probably the best thing that’s happened to my personal writing in over a year. I’m all jazzed up about this now.

Why?

1. I have my own unique story to tell
2. Collaborative story telling would dilute my story… and as I contemplated that I realized that I do have a strong story.
3. It took our conversations and my thinking about a possible partnership to help me realize that I was giving away and negating my own powerful desire to write–each and every time I made an excuse or procrastinated a little more.
4. As we talked about my story and how best to tell it, I got some insight both from him and from my own thoughts. Previously, I stopped in an overwhelmed state from trying to figure out how to structure the story and what  format to use. That process, in effect, paralyzed me.

I’ve come to realize that I need structure. Outlines, plans, lists, and an overall focus for me to stay on task. The plan is to begin as soon as holidays are over and the grandkids are gone. I will treat the book as a part-time job. And, I will rely on my friend to listen, offer suggestions and support and a bit of editorial advice, mixed in with a little unsolicited editorializing (he can’t help himself and I can tell him to piss off as needed) from time to time.

I am excited and scared. I’m giving myself the month of January to get really focused and write. By the end of the month I hope to have given shape to what I’ve previously written with a clear idea of what type of book. I should have enough material to consider approaching an agent by that point… hopefully!

So, I’ll be blogging and maybe I’ll offer up tidbits here and there. I may need additional research material….so if you have some single friends, pass along my link!

 

Footnote: I’ve been writing stories about my online dating episodes on and off for over 5 years now. Last year I semi-started over and have over 30,000 words I think. I just couldn’t figure out how to proceed and get past my misgivings about going public with my sex life and zany episodes in and out of the bedroom.

A Reflection Amidst a Whirlwind of Memories

It’s 11:30 at night and I should be sound asleep in preparation for a long, full and adventurous day.  Do you ever lie down and shut your eyes only to feel like the world is spinning in front of you-images shuttling back and forth… frenetically.  Yep! There’s no way to fight that. I tried some soft music but the song I picked only served to dredge up memories best left alone.

So, here I am, glass of red wine at my side with Mark O’Connor and YoYo Ma on iTunes. I got a job!!!!  A part-time job… a second part-time job if you don’t count the writing clients.. It’s wild and crazy. I’m running in a hundred different directions and doing a whole new thing…sorta. I’ll be working for a caregiving business… “We” provide caregivers for seniors. I’m marketing, networking, writing, and working with community resources in 4 large towns/cities. I leave tomorrow to try to meet some people in city about 80 miles away and then on to a big city another 100 miles away for 2 days of training. I’m more than a little overwhelmed.

AND, I ‘met’ this guy on OKCupid on Thursday, yes-just a few days ago. He lives, as luck or divine intervention would have it, in between my two destinations tomorrow. So, we’re meeting for drinks and dinner tomorrow. He’s the reason I’m aflutter. He’s excited. I’m excited. We have great rapport on the phone and some wonderful shared interests. He’s not your average guy-very intuitive and expressive. Upbeat and complimentary. I’m ready for a good man to show up, it’s time.  I go into date #1 with awareness and a willingness to let go and see what The Universe has in store for me. If tomorrow works out, we’ll contemplate Wednesday night on my return home. If it doesn’t, I get home earlier. No loss.

I’ve met a lot of men in the last 6 or 7 years. Some have left their mark. Scarring, soft memories, smiles, pain. I can look backwards with longing mixed with regrets. Or I can simply nod and see what might serve me better in the future. I would not wish to return to 99.90% of them. It was a unique moment in time for all concerned. I know there are fond memories on the other side as well and I’m sure I’ve done my fair share of scarring and leaving pain in my wake. Only one haunts me and I think that’s a pretty good track record. I may never be complete with him but I can at least protect myself from future hurts-self-imposed in a way.

Bonnie Raitt sings a song, Dimming of The Day….It started me down this path tonight. It’s a mournful song full of love and resignation. Mixed with hope and an acknowledgment of what could have been. Ultimately, I want that person who knows my better side, who will hold me and be with me at the dimming of the day.  It’s about aging and loneliness, I think. Or at least that’s what happens when I project my needs onto her words.

This old house is falling down around my ears
I’m drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day
You pulled me like the moon
Pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side
What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day
Come the night you’re only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant
I see you the street and in company
Why don’t you come and ease your mind with me
I’m living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day
I need you at the dimming of the day…

 

Call Me Irresponsible

The  date-a-base sits neglected. There has been no activity of late and the 2 who remain do not draw my interest. It’s stagnant.  The last week has sent me back to the old, needier dating patterns, maybe as a result of a string of near-misses in the dating world.  Who knows. For the last two days I’ve been corresponding with a faceless, married man on OKCupid- he’s straight up about what he wants and I stated my lack of interest in (another) relationship with a married man. And yet, he emailed and I emailed back. He’s bright and writes well… and that is enough to keep me in ‘eager’ mode. I started drilling him with questions last night, knowing I had nothing to lose, and his response served to keep me hooked. “A waterfall of inquisitions. I like it. “  Then he referenced an old movie quote.   Sigh. I’m a sucker for that kind of stuff. And, it was something that drew me to the last married man-he knew it and played to it, I would guess.

So, when I went to bed I asked for (Not really a prayer) some clarity around what I was doing and seeking, paired with a stronger focus on work and Me.  I woke up alert and ready  to go. As the pot of coffee was brewing I wrote this guy and talked about the hard, cold reality. I was succinct, something I’m often not, and didn’t cushion it in evasive stuff.  It was a polite, but firm No. He’s replied inviting me to be irresponsible at any time but I’m ignoring that (even though I would love a good tumble right about now).  It was fun to banter back and forth and I got to learn a little about the workings of someone intentionally seeking infidelity.

This whole Man:Woman thing never ceases to amaze me.