Monday. Where Ms. Divine Gets Serious

Isn’t Monday the most common day for expressing regrets, making vows, starting diets and in general trying to put the happy face on our lives? I know it tends to be that way for me!  I could barely roll out of bed this morning…my legs ache and I’m tired. Weary, too.

My sister got married Saturday on a lovely estate, wooded and lushly idyllic. The bride and bridesmaids wore cowboy boots and the groomsmen wore custom designed Vans with their seersucker suits. The musicians played I’ll Fly Away on the bass and fiddle.  Heavenly. It was East Coast/West Coast with lots of tats on one side and stiff looking mother of the bride on the other side. My son says I was coming on to 2 of the groomsmen. He’s wrong-it was just one and I wasn’t serious and neither was he. But, I think I embarrassed my son. Yet, someone commented on how cool it was to have the type of mom he has!  He shared that with me, by way of letting me know I was “OK”. He lives out in LA now so he was hanging and partying with the wedding party most of the weekend. He came home to crash yesterday and spent hours sleeping.

I made the cakes- bride’s and groom’s. I used to make wedding cakes on a regular basis….when I was much younger. This time, the cakes were small (80 people) but the combination of grandchildren under foot, actually attending the wedding and the Sunday brunch at my house was too much. I spent yesterday afternoon in an achy fog.

My uncle drove up from the hills of Tennessee for this event. He’s an acquired taste. I love him dearly even though his first comment to me, after “Hi darling”, was “where’s your date?”  I was dreading being the single old lady. But it was just fine. No one to attend to, introduce around and then have to keep entertained. I got to do things my way and play as I chose. It was nice. I can exist quite comfortably on my own and that awareness guides me this morning. Even though I’ve always know it.

“Mike”, who’s name is really Joe, was supposed to call yesterday. He didn’t. He hasn’t called in over a week and said in an email (only in response to mine) that it was difficult right now…with the new puppy. Really? The challenges of  a new puppy kept him from calling me but not from going on the dating site where we met? Really?  This is my second Joe-the first one couldn’t be bothered to stay with me the night I broke my foot. Even after I fell and he called when I was trying to figure out how to get up off the floor and he still couldn’t be bothered to come over and three days later called me (omg! I finally forgot the word he used…yeah) something that you’d call Paris Hilton-indulgent or self centered, not Bitch.  Joe.v2 may be brilliant and fun and well off and a great kisser and he read to me in bed and all that stuff. But, I don’t rank very high in his daily world. I’m only one of several he wants to date. And  you know what? I’m worth way more than that. If I just want to be in the presence of abstracted brilliance for occasional bits of fun I can just see the married guy again. In fact he did read the last blog post and popped in to offer his services.  But that’s a different post.

So to get back to a more concise, direct path here. I’m worth more than being the occasionally thought of woman for some man who wants amusement and variety in his life. It would be fine if I were looking for similar and didn’t mind driving 2 hours to be at his beck and call. But, that’s not what I want. So, today. Monday. I proclaim that it’s time I gave up on lost causes and cute puppies. Today is the day I begin to pay attention to what I put in my body. Tee hee. I refer to food and drink here. Or do I?

When you hire someone to do your housecleaning there inevitably comes a moment when you find yourself muttering about a pile of dust and say that no one can really do the job the way you do it yourself.  Well, dating just to fulfill a void bears some similarity. I”m not getting any satisfaction at all out of trying to build a relationship with a person who sets rules only to satisfy himself.  I’d go on about what he’s doing but really, this isn’t about him it’s about me.

So, today. I set out, once again, but wiser and even more experienced (if I get any more experience here I’ll become the Saint of Dating Lost Causes), to figure out life as a single woman. On my terms. With some big words like capricious and scintillating and … I don’t know, big stuff.

Ten pounds has to go. Excessive coffee in the morning has to go. Clutter-gone! Pouf. The 2010 tax debt from living on my retirement while job searching – up in flames ( how? to be decided)!!!  Submissively dating men with apparent flaws -which can include anything from newly separated to inability to commit or even inability to complete! Or failure to realize that they’re fucking up the opportunity to date Ms. Divine. I didn’t take that name for nothing… I just haven’t fully stepped into it yet.

 

Footnote: Date on Wednesday night… his name? Joe.  And… he has a new puppy.

 

Being Open to Unexpected Pleasures

I fulfilled my commitments with a smile and a dose of Southern graciousness.  The beer pouring was fun; I was with a local nonprofit for writers where I’m a member. By the end of a three hour stint pouring beer I was covered in beer and reeked, but it was fun. I’m having lunch with the one of the founders on Friday-that will be nice.

On Sunday I made the 2 hour drive to see my guy friend and his 3 dogs. The new puppy is absolutely adorable as you can see from the last post. The guy’s still pretty good as well. This continues to be an undefined relationship, if  you can call it that. And, I’m on the fence about how I feel and whether I’m simply having fun or wasting my time? It’s easy and comfortable and we act a long-married couple. Maybe it’s the thrills and chills I miss? The hot-to-trot aspect of a new relationship seems to be missing.. and since I’ve been asked to ‘not fall in love’ I am keeping the walls up a bit. The 2 night visit was all puppy and play- no conversation about anything challenging. I think we’re both on Match. I’m there because … he is. And him? Monogamy seems too close to marriage, I guess…. who knows. But, in the moment I can see that the time spent together is pleasant, so why not. If I should be fortunate enough to meet someone promising online I’d go out with him; the problem is that I’m comparing them all to Mike. And, I’m being pickier for some reason. Discernment in matters of the heart has never been one of my skills. to put it mildly

 

Is It Dating or dating?

So…. my dating life!  I went traipsing off almost 2 weeks ago to spend 5 nights with a man I met through Match. It was our third date-a long one. I stayed at his house during this time. We already know how excited I was and I hinted at some of my preparations for the trip.

We had a very good time together. Our relationship is easy and falls into place naturally. We share some common interests and complement each other nicely… I think we would both agree on that. But, I was ‘stepping into’ a spot filled by what would appear to be a wonderful wife of 40+ years. She died very suddenly 18 months ago. It was a loving relationship and he’s not ready to let go. And what that means for anyone who wants to be in a relationship of sorts with this man is challenging…depending on her end goal. And, that is where our paths diverge.

He would like to continue to see me but only if I’m willing to agree to be in the moment, to give up hope of a commitment. And, if I’m willing to share, as he doesn’t want a monogamous situation.  Wow… talk about  a tough call. I’ve dated or met quite a few men since 2001 and as each year passes I am more certain that I want a more permanent man in my life. I could already have a playmate closer to home if I wanted. One with similar characteristics and features but he’s not very available either.

This guy, lets call him Mike…..  This guy is great fun, and we have an affectionate connection but he wants to just live in the moment and he wants me to be there too. And, he doesn’t want me to be jealous about this other woman, who I think takes a lower ranking on the totem pole of women (as if that matters, in this situation). All fine and well, it’s a free country and he’s very honest about how this looks from his perspective. And, he is aware that I’ve got more of a desire for a commitment. The thought has passed through my mind, and probably the other woman’s as well, that he just needs time to grieve. If I stick with it there might be a chance. But, that’s a very bad way to go about it and could lead to more hurt. So, my decision has to include that understanding.

I’ve expressed my feelings on the arrangement and I’ve made no definite decisions. And, I haven’t pursued setting up date #4 at this moment. I don’t want to fall in love and get hurt; I’m also reluctant to travel 2 hours away for someone who offers no long-term return on my investment (crude as that may sound). He’s getting a new puppy so coming here with 3 dogs is a bit too much; I have cats.  So, I’m looking around again…sadly there are no men online who live near by who would seem like  a good match…specially after spending time with Mike. Of all the men I’ve met, dated, fucked, bedded, and/or contemplated in my post-divorce life he absolutely has the best blend of all the things I want. Right down to reading to me in bed. <sigh>

And, where I’m heading, at this moment,  is to make no decision. To just let things happen on their own. If we decide to see each other again I’ll gladly go see him. Why not enjoy myself and spend time with a funny, intelligent, nice guy? As long as I’m alert and we keep an open conversation it can work…. I think.  He’s more companionable than either of my cats.