I Want Life To Be Easy

I can’t sit still. I need to work and yet a million things flow through my head. The rewrite, the moss on the roof, sticks in the yard, the forgotten payment I still haven’t mailed. Where to query? What can I do (as she pauses remembering the 2 lottery tickets from yesterday…win the lottery and then just delete the post) …

Sigh. I’m back.

I’m numb. Then I’m anxious. Restless, caught in a spiral of denials and letting go and regrets. Looking for a quick fix. An easy answer.

I want life to be easy.

It’s the statement that floats around my head these days. It’s not that I don’t understand the difficulty of life. It’s not that I haven’t encountered, tackled and continue to handle incredibly difficult situations. But, I’m not really accepting that Life Is Not Easy. That means I have to work harder. Like my life depended on it.

Where’s my safety net? Safety nets. Don’t we all have more than one?

I let go of one last week. It’s knocked me on my ass. It was the ‘don’t worry, I’m not really alone’ net. One I’ve been clutching to for years, almost 9.

Funny. I’ve had to let go of all kinds of shit in the last 30 days.

• The colonoscopy/endoscopy procedures done under the same sedation. We all know that kind of letting go that entailed. Plus the trust that all would go well and nothing serious would be discovered.
• The clog in my pipes. Water on laundry room floor, sewage in guest shower stall. TWICE
• Four or five days without power. I lost a refrigerator and 2 freezers full of food. Every fucking condiment I owned had to be thrown away. All the wonderful jams, pestos, sauces, exotic mustards. Dumped. And, of course I can’t replace them all. The frig looked beautiful. I’ve always loved white space so a moment of rejoicing! (ha ha)
• My vision of life as easy-peasy. No more thinking I can casually find work, money, fame, happiness, the best sex on the planet, the ideal man. It’s the casual part I am having to grapple with.

Hmm… Only five little deadly bullet points. It feels like more. It is. I let go of something, someone, I needed to let go of a long time ago. Done it before, but never permanently. My safety net. My love. The one I want but can’t have.

I  knew we’d never have more and have struggled mightily at times, expending life-sucking energy, to “be ok” with my choice. That’s what brings numbness, it keeps me from sitting on the left side of the sofa. Nostalgic over coffee on Wednesday mornings. Temporarily losing my sex drive (GAWD, I know, but really it’s a good thing…there is no one around to play with!) . Turning the bottle of Wild Turkey to the corner, like a bad boy, so I can’t see the label–which is way better than just drinking the damn stuff in one sitting.

Yes, I’m whining. Part grief, part story-telling. Part exorcism.

We all let go. Life isn’t easy for any of us. I know that. You know that. Some days are better than others:

Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you’re quick, but most days you’re speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us

 

 

Is It Dating or dating?

So…. my dating life!  I went traipsing off almost 2 weeks ago to spend 5 nights with a man I met through Match. It was our third date-a long one. I stayed at his house during this time. We already know how excited I was and I hinted at some of my preparations for the trip.

We had a very good time together. Our relationship is easy and falls into place naturally. We share some common interests and complement each other nicely… I think we would both agree on that. But, I was ‘stepping into’ a spot filled by what would appear to be a wonderful wife of 40+ years. She died very suddenly 18 months ago. It was a loving relationship and he’s not ready to let go. And what that means for anyone who wants to be in a relationship of sorts with this man is challenging…depending on her end goal. And, that is where our paths diverge.

He would like to continue to see me but only if I’m willing to agree to be in the moment, to give up hope of a commitment. And, if I’m willing to share, as he doesn’t want a monogamous situation.  Wow… talk about  a tough call. I’ve dated or met quite a few men since 2001 and as each year passes I am more certain that I want a more permanent man in my life. I could already have a playmate closer to home if I wanted. One with similar characteristics and features but he’s not very available either.

This guy, lets call him Mike…..  This guy is great fun, and we have an affectionate connection but he wants to just live in the moment and he wants me to be there too. And, he doesn’t want me to be jealous about this other woman, who I think takes a lower ranking on the totem pole of women (as if that matters, in this situation). All fine and well, it’s a free country and he’s very honest about how this looks from his perspective. And, he is aware that I’ve got more of a desire for a commitment. The thought has passed through my mind, and probably the other woman’s as well, that he just needs time to grieve. If I stick with it there might be a chance. But, that’s a very bad way to go about it and could lead to more hurt. So, my decision has to include that understanding.

I’ve expressed my feelings on the arrangement and I’ve made no definite decisions. And, I haven’t pursued setting up date #4 at this moment. I don’t want to fall in love and get hurt; I’m also reluctant to travel 2 hours away for someone who offers no long-term return on my investment (crude as that may sound). He’s getting a new puppy so coming here with 3 dogs is a bit too much; I have cats.  So, I’m looking around again…sadly there are no men online who live near by who would seem like  a good match…specially after spending time with Mike. Of all the men I’ve met, dated, fucked, bedded, and/or contemplated in my post-divorce life he absolutely has the best blend of all the things I want. Right down to reading to me in bed. <sigh>

And, where I’m heading, at this moment,  is to make no decision. To just let things happen on their own. If we decide to see each other again I’ll gladly go see him. Why not enjoy myself and spend time with a funny, intelligent, nice guy? As long as I’m alert and we keep an open conversation it can work…. I think.  He’s more companionable than either of my cats.