Me and My SpongeBob-Boy

Let me take this opportunity to brag a little. I am a bright, good looking, sexy woman in my late 50′s. I have no criminal record, I give a mean blow job and I have all my own teeth. Oh, and I own a house with more than one full bath. What’s not to love about me? Apparently there is something askew because, as my faithful long-time readers know, I am clearly incapable of finding a good match in the dating world. I have found plenty of wack-jobs, married men, morons, sociopaths, pervs and so on…….

I am not actively looking right now though my profile is visible on one of the free dating sites, where it gets very little attention. Until last night. Mr. Jason (Thank God he’s not a Mike or a Joe) is hot to trot for me. We are a 51% match according to the site’s calculation–an overly optimistic assessment in my book . Jason is 3 inches shorter than me and possibly less educated?  His photos included a shot of him in one of those tasselled Mason type hats and the hot pose of him you see above. Sorry, but I had to post that (using the full range of my photoshopping skills I blacked out his face).

His beguiling letter:

how’s it going?!believe me you are extra-gorgeous and you’ve got a very unique style and thats mind blowing.s!Your photo caught my eye as well. You have these gorgeous eyes, and your smile absolutely made my day.u look like a character in one of them romance novel….well Let’s email a little bit to see if we’d get along well. I’m playing in a friendly tournament with some friends in a few weeks, and I’d love to bring a solid partner to cheer me up.lol..so tell me about your pretty self,i want to get to know lot of beautiful things about you…happy new year and hope you are having a wonderful weekend

 

I am contemplating how, or if, I will answer. But, I’m flattered and grateful for the attention.

Planning for a Year of Schweddy Balls and Other Personal Delights

In past years I have spent time thinking about the ending year and planning how to approach the new year–not necessarily with resolutions, more like inspirations for a more satisfying new year. That process hasn’t happened yet and I feel adrift in a sea of resolutions and exciting prognostications for 2012.

Consequently, I feel inadequate and ill-prepared for 2012. So, let me offer up a few quick statements as a substitute for deep thinking and naval  (Oops, as a dear reader noted, that should be “navel”) gazing. In 2012 I resolve to:

• Have less indiscriminate sex
• Get tested for STDs–again
• Quit falling for unavailable and emotionally conflicted men (yes, they exist….they just don’t realize their conflictions)
• Lose 30 pounds, tighten up my tummy and lift my boobs to their former, pre-breastfeeding perkiness
• Completely ignore public opinion and follow my own whims and desires
• Explore dating women as an option to my current follies
• Lower my standards and find a job….any job
• Buy a new underwire bra (see above)
• In general, have more fun

And, last but not least…..enjoy more balls–’cause they might not be here for much longer!

What about you?

Finally! Male Hygiene Products

Who says guys don’t need grooming products. Balls not as fresh as you’d like? Fresh Balls could be just the thing for you. But, wait let the guys at FreshBalls.com tell you in their own words (click here for audio)

For the first time there is a product that prevents wetness and the uncomfortable feelings of being sweaty, sticky, and chafing in the groin area, which all men suffer from. Fresh Balls ^TM is a natural product and is formulated to keep your private area fresh and dry, and solves the perspiration problem.  Our product is Aluminum Free, Paraben Free, and Talc Free, and contains Oatmeal as an anti-irritant and Tea Tree Oil as an anti-bacterial.  Fresh Balls ^TM is an easy to apply lotion that dries quickly, so it won’t clump on your skin or leave a powdery residue in your pants. It can be used as often as needed and is recommended to use as part of your daily grooming routine.

Try Fresh Balls ^TM today. Order now!

 

I know what will be in my sons’ stockings this year!  And, if you should turn out to be my special man-boy by the holidays I’ll get you some Fresh Balls too!!! ‘Cause I like fresh!

The Art of Communication: Wax Job Gone Awry

As I alluded to in an earlier post, I took a little trip recently. And, I mentioned that part of my preparations included a little ‘lawn trimming’, which means, for the uninitiated, that I got a bikini wax. It seemed like a sexy idea in the moment.  Instead of going to my normal and expensive day spa, I chose a new place. I’d been once and had an eyebrow wax and pedicure-successfully. So, last Friday I rush over there before work. The woman leads me to the tiny room and stands there while I take off my pants and get on the table. I tell her I want a ‘little off the top’ and a trim down the side. The ‘little off the top’ comment is accompanied by a vague hand movement across my panty line. (note the word ‘vague’).

I get on the table, lying down, with hands pulling top of panties down to give her room to work. There are no mirrors so I can’t see what’s going on. As she begins waxing I begin to get anxious, but don’t say anything.  She’s using lots of wax and it feels as if she’s spending a bit too much time on the upper area. Then she does what I’d call a curved application of wax.  I don’t say anything, I just let her do her job. I’m not very assertive in that way.  I can tell that the sides are trimmed pretty close in but that’s fine with me.

She finishes, I get dressed and pay up. I’m more uncomfortable than usual but chalk it up to having neglected the lawn for quite a while. When I get to work I pop into the bathroom to take a look. I am aghast. She had taken over 75% of my hair off! going all the way down to the edge, so to speak, on top and curving it around so that in essence all I had was a delicate mound of hair… shaped like the arched entrance to a grand cathedral!!!

Two thoughts come to mind simultaneously. One that I will be a red, bumpy mess by the following evening. I have delicate skin and always break out a bit with a waxing, but 24 hours is more than ample. Not sure that would be the case this time.  The second thought was reaffirmed when I got home and could take a full look in front of the full length mirror.   I’m showing much more than intended…. and not sure how I feel about that.  Of course, anyone who’s had a hair cut knows you can’t really undo the damage over night.

I spent an uncomfortable day at work, trying not to think about it and keeping the most tender areas untouched by the panty elastic. And, thinking about the unveiling with a mix of trepidation and delicious anticipation. I expected a good bit ofinterest, maybe a desire to take a closer look, explore, feel that smooth skin…..

Now that I’ve been in this state for a full week I’ve grown quite used to the look and like it. Was it worth it? Well, I’m happy which is good because I can’t say that the delight that was my womanliness was fully appreciated in all it’s full bare glory.

It only cost $25 but still…. I’ll be available for viewings this week if anyone’s interested. $5 a peek.

Who Knew A Dog’s Life Was So Good?

Fuck. Damn. Bloody hell.  OK. I feel better now.

Wednesday the throat tearing procedure happened, as planned. Saturday night I had my first bits of solid food. And, I’ve had quite enough, thank you very much, of the throat and swallowing jokes. One friend inquired as to when I’d be able to swallow something big again. As you can imagine, it was a man. Another offered to share some naughty rugby jokes on the topic.

My throat is apparently healing, I think. I mean really, how does one know?

I recently met a very sweet man and he actually offered to take me to the hospital for the throat procedure, stayed with me through the prep phase and then waited to bring me home, even stopping to buy jello for me.  Very nice.  And, yesterday morning he wrote to say that the ‘couples chemistry’ just wasn’t there. I guess I knew that too…but good men are difficult to come by sometimes.  He’s a great guy and we will still do some things together; I think we’ll become good friends and I look forward to that. But…..I’m tired of this.

And:

• Yes, I know there’s plenty of time

• Yes, I know that my divineness means I shouldn’t settle for anything less than I deserve

• Yes, I know that I am attractive and there are men out there who want to ‘bed’ me ( by the way, it ain’t enough)

• Yes, I know that loving myself and being single is just fucking wonderful (and if I were a dog and could lick my own balls, imagine how much easier it would be to be single?)

• Yes, I know that every girl has her day and her Prince will come and Adam had Eve and there’s one man or two or three for each woman and that being alone is not the worst thing in the world

Yada, yada, yada … I  just don’t know.  Maybe I can practice being a dog? Or….maybe it’s time to switch teams?

Who Knew… Boobs, They Make the World Go Around

Wednesday is now going to be recognized as official boob day. First of all, Kim Kardashian was all over the news, of sorts, for her agonizingly sad photo shoot. As best I can reconstruct she did a photo shoot, in the nude, for W magazine. Her tits and ass were to be creatively covered with something artistic. And, guess what? Her nipple is showing. She’s upset… but really, who gives a *bleep.

And, Wednesday was Boob day here at Deliriously Divine. Over 115 people did a google search for “boobs’ and landed on my blog.  Who knew so many people, dare I say men?, were searching for boob shots? We’ve been the specially featured blog on the WordPress tag page: Saggy Boobs and all kinds of people came to visit.

Elsewhere in booby news? Well, the legit news is again saying that there is an increased health risk for women with breast implants. I do feel sorry for women w/ breast cancer who have legitimate reasons for wanting breast implants. But, for the rest of the artificial D cups in the world- Oops!

Boobs in general still seem to garner attention, make men sit up straighter, pants seams strain and cause all manner of people to talk, stare, drool and utter obscene thoughts. I didn’t set out to try and capitalize on a nation’s fascination with breasts, and really I find the preoccupation with women’s breasts irritating at times. Though I admit to doing my own, subtle flaunting at times. But yet… here it is.

From now on, just think of Deliriously Divine as the boobs chick!

 

photo from Med India website