It’s 11:30 at night and I should be sound asleep in preparation for a long, full and adventurous day. Do you ever lie down and shut your eyes only to feel like the world is spinning in front of you-images shuttling back and forth… frenetically. Yep! There’s no way to fight that. I tried some soft music but the song I picked only served to dredge up memories best left alone.
So, here I am, glass of red wine at my side with Mark O’Connor and YoYo Ma on iTunes. I got a job!!!! A part-time job… a second part-time job if you don’t count the writing clients.. It’s wild and crazy. I’m running in a hundred different directions and doing a whole new thing…sorta. I’ll be working for a caregiving business… “We” provide caregivers for seniors. I’m marketing, networking, writing, and working with community resources in 4 large towns/cities. I leave tomorrow to try to meet some people in city about 80 miles away and then on to a big city another 100 miles away for 2 days of training. I’m more than a little overwhelmed.
AND, I ‘met’ this guy on OKCupid on Thursday, yes-just a few days ago. He lives, as luck or divine intervention would have it, in between my two destinations tomorrow. So, we’re meeting for drinks and dinner tomorrow. He’s the reason I’m aflutter. He’s excited. I’m excited. We have great rapport on the phone and some wonderful shared interests. He’s not your average guy-very intuitive and expressive. Upbeat and complimentary. I’m ready for a good man to show up, it’s time. I go into date #1 with awareness and a willingness to let go and see what The Universe has in store for me. If tomorrow works out, we’ll contemplate Wednesday night on my return home. If it doesn’t, I get home earlier. No loss.
I’ve met a lot of men in the last 6 or 7 years. Some have left their mark. Scarring, soft memories, smiles, pain. I can look backwards with longing mixed with regrets. Or I can simply nod and see what might serve me better in the future. I would not wish to return to 99.90% of them. It was a unique moment in time for all concerned. I know there are fond memories on the other side as well and I’m sure I’ve done my fair share of scarring and leaving pain in my wake. Only one haunts me and I think that’s a pretty good track record. I may never be complete with him but I can at least protect myself from future hurts-self-imposed in a way.
Bonnie Raitt sings a song, Dimming of The Day….It started me down this path tonight. It’s a mournful song full of love and resignation. Mixed with hope and an acknowledgment of what could have been. Ultimately, I want that person who knows my better side, who will hold me and be with me at the dimming of the day. It’s about aging and loneliness, I think. Or at least that’s what happens when I project my needs onto her words.
This old house is falling down around my ears
I’m drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day
You pulled me like the moon
Pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side
What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day
Come the night you’re only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant
I see you the street and in company
Why don’t you come and ease your mind with me
I’m living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day
I need you at the dimming of the day…
