How Not To Charm The Pants Off a Woman

Naughty me, I’m going to tell the story of a recent dating flop…because I can. I can’t share this anywhere else because I don’t want to be seen as the tattle-tale type. This is a story of what happens when a man lets his dick tell him what to do.

Let’s call him Arthur. I’ve never dated a man named Arthur so it seems safe.

Arthur contacted me on last Thursday through a free dating site. Newly separated but living in the same house. Kiss of death for me, but I agree to coffee on Sunday, after getting confirmation that he was dating ‘publicly’.

We met for a mere 90 minutes. Conversation flowed fairly smoothy and the peck on the cheek at departure was adequate. In less than 2 hours I get this text:” I find you interesting, passionate, beautiful, witty charming and somebody I love to be with,,,oh…and sexy as hell!”

OK. So, flattery is always wonderful and I knew I looked good that day. You know how you look in the mirror and instantly know if you look hot or not?

Monday morning I get an email, it’s waiting for me when I get up. Title: Good Morning Luv.

Tuesday morning, it’s just Morning. Here’s a snippet of his note:

was just thinking about how great a whole day would be.Something I do hope we can do soon. A whole day. Beginning to end.
Haven’t done that in a long time. Wake up(together would be optional)in AM do something you LOVE to do, PM something I LOVE to do and evening something we both lOVE to do. Wouldn’t that be great? It would be for me anyway. No distractions. just sharing our souls for an extended period of time. I’d enjoy that.

Now remember, we’ve had one brief date over coffee and no phone conversations just texting.

I push for a second date and we have dinner that night. Again less than 2 hours together. He’s getting all hot and bothered, I can see it in his eyes. He touches my hand a couple of times and as we walk to the car he grabs my hand. Kiss at car is a bit more personal but I keep it short in a basic “I don’t really know you yet”  kind of kiss. He saunters off to his car looking like a satisfied man. The conversation was pleasant but not riveting. I don’t offer up anything that indicates a growing interest. But, I do notice that he’s talking about all the things we’ll do over time and acts as if the engagement is about to be announced.

Wednesday morning: He calls me Magical in his email as he talks about how relaxed he is in my presence. Pants still zipped at this point.

Thursday morning, 5:29am : He starts with a poem-

“My minds distracted and diffused,
My thoughts are many mies away,
They lie with you when you’re asleep.
And kiss you when you start your day.

Some words to say good morning and to wish I was there next to you.”

Now, I love the art of seduction. And, like many women, flattery will often get you where you want to be. But this? Borderline creepy.

Me: Nice poem-lovely. And, here’s the thing. I don’t know yet if I will have the feelings that you seem to have. We’ve only had 2 dates, fairly short and I don’t have that sense yet. We are getting along nicely and connecting, but I’m not feeling as strong a romantic pull as you are. It’s lovely to be wooed in this way and very flattering. You are a very sweet man and I am enjoying getting to know you.

Maybe we can just take it a bit slower and see how things progress? I don’t want to give you false hope.

This unleashes this torrent of passionate declaration. Before I can even read the email he’s sending texts.  Instead of hearing me he goes on to write that if I would allow him to see me ALONE! that he could make me see how attracted to him I really am. He tells me he knows me better than I think he does.. .I wouldn’t let that man in my house for all the money in the world at this point!

Talk about a man who isn’t listening:

Me:  I don’t want to roll into bed with you just yet. I want us to take a
 leisurely amount of time really getting to know each other. Sex clouds the
 issue sometimes. Don’t you think?
Him:  I believe there is a sexual attraction or I simply  wouldn’t feel it either–and I do. We wouln’t be committing to sex, I
just want the chance to really woo you in the way that I really am. I think it would be very pbvious if we were feeling it being right in a
short period of time. I would like that chance.

I tell him again that he’s moving too fast. Slow down, back off… I teIl him to take a cold shower.

Him: I feels (in response to my question of what he means by wooing me)  like holding you in my arms and really kissing you–no limp little half ass attemps but really kissing you–speaking of asses, I happen to love yours.  I t feels like wrapping your body around me–clothing always optional–and feeling the real magic of touch saying all the things that are real. should be real and can be real. I know you. I know what you want and need.

End of story! I finally sent a succinct note saying nicely that we were done. And, I ignored the next 2 emails. And holding my breath as he’s still looking at my profile. I fear that he’ll be back.

Moral of the story? Don’t lead with your genitals.

Toads, Messiahs and Boobs-Tools for Dating Successfully

I’ve been negligent. I confess.

Catherine the Great is finished. My throat is still…. whatever (Dr. on Monday, details to follow). Life goes on. Abandoned the job hunt for life of beans and 3rd rate coffee. Contemplating side-job as Blow Job Queen of the Universe. Contacted by guy on Okcupid- his name? JOE. I’ve sworn off Joes and Mike/Michaels. Forever. I swear.

Where have I been? No place, sadly. But I think it’s time for me to take a road trip or two.

Where have I been? Well, I’ve started a new, exciting, explosively unique, and can’t-live-without-it blogging adventure, hoping to take my vast experiences with dating and do something productive with them. I don’t know that one can qualify as The Expert if still single? We’ll see. Certainly I can make a list of successes with almost as much ease as I can create a list of utter disasters, humorous nightmares and total lapses in judgement.

Let me tell you about the world of dating blogging. Oh My God. There are people out there passing themselves off as the Messiah(s). The laws of attractions, secrets of fulfillment and there’s even a blog/book/series based on kissing toads…each of her missives is cutely rendered with toad analogies.

Gag me with a spoon.

What I have yet to figure out is whether people have really been reduced to the level of wanting that kind of material? <Idiocracy, the movie> Are we/they buying into these marketing myths about attraction and hyped up “My Prince Will Come” crap? If so, I am doomed to failure NOW. I can’t write that kind of stuff. Won’t.

What I have learned in this short period of pimping myself as a dating expert:

• Quotes draw a lot of attention- the sappier the better. There are 5 million quotes on twitter. When I created a Pinterest account and ‘pinned’ a quote, it immediately got about 8 repins. WTF.
• Anyone can write an e-book and promote themselves poorly-ad nauseum.
• Women are still being urged to use their beauty and bodies to attract the perfect mate.
• Russians will follow you on Twitter.  I can’t follow them as I don’t read Russian.
• There are few people talking sex, trash and sexy lingerie for the over50 crowd. That’s the good news-my path is wide open!

Seriously. This is a little bit fun. A recent post I wrote got a little notice (and I mean little) and I’ve been asked to share it on a bigger blog. Guest posting is apparently the way to fame and money…. I could spend $12,000 to work with a famous blogger to learn how to do that and start making close to $100,000 a year as a blogger. If I drink the Kool-Aid. I think I’ll just keep tweeting cute quotes about life and love and girlie stuff and work my ass off trying to make connections. While avoiding toads.

Single and need some help? Drop a note to deliriouslydivineone@gmail.com and I’ll hook you up…with my new blog. (see, I’m doing my marketing!)

Me and My SpongeBob-Boy

Let me take this opportunity to brag a little. I am a bright, good looking, sexy woman in my late 50′s. I have no criminal record, I give a mean blow job and I have all my own teeth. Oh, and I own a house with more than one full bath. What’s not to love about me? Apparently there is something askew because, as my faithful long-time readers know, I am clearly incapable of finding a good match in the dating world. I have found plenty of wack-jobs, married men, morons, sociopaths, pervs and so on…….

I am not actively looking right now though my profile is visible on one of the free dating sites, where it gets very little attention. Until last night. Mr. Jason (Thank God he’s not a Mike or a Joe) is hot to trot for me. We are a 51% match according to the site’s calculation–an overly optimistic assessment in my book . Jason is 3 inches shorter than me and possibly less educated?  His photos included a shot of him in one of those tasselled Mason type hats and the hot pose of him you see above. Sorry, but I had to post that (using the full range of my photoshopping skills I blacked out his face).

His beguiling letter:

how’s it going?!believe me you are extra-gorgeous and you’ve got a very unique style and thats mind blowing.s!Your photo caught my eye as well. You have these gorgeous eyes, and your smile absolutely made my day.u look like a character in one of them romance novel….well Let’s email a little bit to see if we’d get along well. I’m playing in a friendly tournament with some friends in a few weeks, and I’d love to bring a solid partner to cheer me up.lol..so tell me about your pretty self,i want to get to know lot of beautiful things about you…happy new year and hope you are having a wonderful weekend

 

I am contemplating how, or if, I will answer. But, I’m flattered and grateful for the attention.

A Life Unwritten Begs to Be Let Out into The Sunlight

I’ve been absent from the blog world of late… with nothing appropriately sexy to share with you, my dear readers, I just retreated. I’ve got nothing for you now, either but…..

I’m writing on Christmas afternoon… my Christmas starts on Monday afternoon, so this is just another Sunday for me. Sorta. I’ve been listening to David Sedaris today–the Santaland Diaries…what a hoot. I’m wondering if there is a way for me to channel a little of his wicked humor in my writing? I have enough stories to share some wickedly funny episodes and still maintain a straight non-fiction approach, which is kinda sad really.

I have a male friend, one I dated briefly in late spring. We’re talking again and he momentarily suggested we write together. I hesitated, then said yes and then,  he changed his mind! It was probably the best thing that’s happened to my personal writing in over a year. I’m all jazzed up about this now.

Why?

1. I have my own unique story to tell
2. Collaborative story telling would dilute my story… and as I contemplated that I realized that I do have a strong story.
3. It took our conversations and my thinking about a possible partnership to help me realize that I was giving away and negating my own powerful desire to write–each and every time I made an excuse or procrastinated a little more.
4. As we talked about my story and how best to tell it, I got some insight both from him and from my own thoughts. Previously, I stopped in an overwhelmed state from trying to figure out how to structure the story and what  format to use. That process, in effect, paralyzed me.

I’ve come to realize that I need structure. Outlines, plans, lists, and an overall focus for me to stay on task. The plan is to begin as soon as holidays are over and the grandkids are gone. I will treat the book as a part-time job. And, I will rely on my friend to listen, offer suggestions and support and a bit of editorial advice, mixed in with a little unsolicited editorializing (he can’t help himself and I can tell him to piss off as needed) from time to time.

I am excited and scared. I’m giving myself the month of January to get really focused and write. By the end of the month I hope to have given shape to what I’ve previously written with a clear idea of what type of book. I should have enough material to consider approaching an agent by that point… hopefully!

So, I’ll be blogging and maybe I’ll offer up tidbits here and there. I may need additional research material….so if you have some single friends, pass along my link!

 

Footnote: I’ve been writing stories about my online dating episodes on and off for over 5 years now. Last year I semi-started over and have over 30,000 words I think. I just couldn’t figure out how to proceed and get past my misgivings about going public with my sex life and zany episodes in and out of the bedroom.

The Intersection of Deliriously Divine, Sally Fields and Charles Manson

I have this awful habit of assuming I have to respond, positively, when a man seems to like me…even if they’re blatantly wrong for me. In this case the man would be the one I referenced in an early post. Even though I abruptly put a halt to our budding relationship he has not really given up. And, Tuesday night when he called, I answered the phone. It was actually kinda funny because he was caught off guard at hearing my voice and sputtered, “I should have written a speech”. I had been ignoring his texts, emails and phone calls.

With some distance and objectivity I was able to immediately recall why I knew this was a bad match. And, I tried delicately to explain the reasons I wasn’t going to see him. He assumed  it had everything to do with the 100 miles we live apart. I couldn’t really tell him that I think he’s on the slippery slope towards crazy or that his possible Parkinson was more than I want to embrace. But I tried. And the phone conversation ended with a Good bye yet I know he hasn’t given up.

I went to bed feeling bad and thinking I should write him. It  was midnight, I’d had 2 generous glasses of red wine and hilarity with SwanLady, who is here visiting. And, as I got into bed I thought about my tendency to assume that finding a man to like me is so rare that I have to engage. Being too lazy to get out of bed and share my thought, I sent SwanLady the following text, ” Thinking about John and it seems logical to remind myself that I wouldn’t respond to Charles Manson just because he liked me so I don’t need to respond to John. “  Then I lay there and giggled at this…waiting for her response.  Which never came-but that’s another story.

The point of my story? Well, summoning up Manson did the trick. This “John” may very well think I’m the hottest thing on the planet but he’s a bit of a nut and I’m not interested. There are a couple of men around who find me desirable and would still like to date or bed me. Most are men who wouldn’t be right for me in the long run and/ or men I don’t care for. Why go there? There are two who I’d consider, though neither would provide me with more than a temporary fix to my ‘aloneness’, a fun romp or two….one I’ve been resisting the urge to call for the last week or so. The pull is strong and I know it’s the wrong move.

This is the little girl talking, the one who can’t ever recall affection from her mother, the little girl who was taught to please, and be nice. The woman, who is currently in charge, is stronger than that. She knows that what she feels is more important than what ‘they’ want. And, she’s hopeful that one day there will be a mutual desire for connection.

Thanks to John for turning me on to this artist- Imelda May

Call Me Irresponsible

The  date-a-base sits neglected. There has been no activity of late and the 2 who remain do not draw my interest. It’s stagnant.  The last week has sent me back to the old, needier dating patterns, maybe as a result of a string of near-misses in the dating world.  Who knows. For the last two days I’ve been corresponding with a faceless, married man on OKCupid- he’s straight up about what he wants and I stated my lack of interest in (another) relationship with a married man. And yet, he emailed and I emailed back. He’s bright and writes well… and that is enough to keep me in ‘eager’ mode. I started drilling him with questions last night, knowing I had nothing to lose, and his response served to keep me hooked. “A waterfall of inquisitions. I like it. “  Then he referenced an old movie quote.   Sigh. I’m a sucker for that kind of stuff. And, it was something that drew me to the last married man-he knew it and played to it, I would guess.

So, when I went to bed I asked for (Not really a prayer) some clarity around what I was doing and seeking, paired with a stronger focus on work and Me.  I woke up alert and ready  to go. As the pot of coffee was brewing I wrote this guy and talked about the hard, cold reality. I was succinct, something I’m often not, and didn’t cushion it in evasive stuff.  It was a polite, but firm No. He’s replied inviting me to be irresponsible at any time but I’m ignoring that (even though I would love a good tumble right about now).  It was fun to banter back and forth and I got to learn a little about the workings of someone intentionally seeking infidelity.

This whole Man:Woman thing never ceases to amaze me.

My New Date-A-Base Approach to Men

Just for fun, I made a Date-a-Base with Excel to keep track of the guys I was dating and/or talking to. I think I referenced it briefly as I talked about the dating world of Deliriously Divine One. Well, it is a lot of fun and a clever way to keep track, as well as share my stories with a few close friends who are in on my more private dating antics.  When I updated it yesterday, I created a Dead List, with the rows of information in a lovely medium gray highlighted shade. And in the ongoing section I’ve used varying degrees of grey to indicate interest level.

I’m still seeing two guys (not the same as previously mentioned)  and in conversation with a third. One of the two is simply a friendship type thing, no real excitement for me but we’ve had some pleasant evenings together over the last month or so-nothing more.  Number two is a whole different story… hubba hubba, she says with a degree of optimistic caution. The third needs to fall by the wayside for a couple of reasons, mostly because we live 2 hours apart and he has 2 teen girls around 1/2 time. I can’t imagine dealing with that! So, why even go down that road?

I’m finding it easier than ever to be more clear about potential choices. And, I’m acting out of a very ‘me-centered’ place. I don’t mean that to sound egotistical but I have tended in the past to give more consideration to what they wanted, as opposed to making my choices based on my personal interests. I realize now that the dreamy guy I called Joe. v2 really operates out of his own unique reality. It’s Joe’s World…or the highway.  And, while I contemplated meandering down that highway last week I reminded myself of what I want and what he wants and they only intersect, ever so briefly. So, I’m conjuring up an image of a bald aged Mike Meyers and the tattered plaid sofa in the basement when I think about Joe.v2 with nostalgic longings!!!

I’ll Have That One, Please!

The Universe tests us….all the time. Right after my post about the big aha moment, I ended up with a number of men all writing me on online dating sites. This is unusual as most of them initiated and most of them are still in the picture.  I decided to just let things proceed and see what happened… no big push to make any of this work.

So, as a result of this rush of eligible bachelors, I’m currently in conversation with 4ish men. The 5th one is also engaged in mutual conversations as well so we’re not really going to pursue this at the moment.  I know I wrote an earlier post about my inability to handle dating more than one guy at a time. But this seems pretty easy….in part because I’m not terribly excited about any of them.Well, one does.Did. I started this post last week and since them I’ve seen the guy who lives over 2 hrs. away. And, in that classic ‘things aren’t always as they seem’,  he’s had 2 marriages, one affair, and the one he’s currently unentangling from-she still lives in the house with him. It’s a case I’ve seen again and again-men who rush headlong in their desire to find someone without cleaning up their prior mess. A guy who is used to being adored (his phrase, not mine) and wants and needs that ego boost. I  wrote him a polite note when I got home to say that I wanted a guy who had more freedom to explore our potential.

The wonderful part of all of this is that my level of detachment is allowing me to do this without the normal flutter and tension that usually occurs in this preliminary stage of the dating game. I don’t feel any pressure to make any of them work and I don’t feel any need to get too romantic. I’m not rolling towards the bedroom with any of them. First for me!  (might need to update that sentence!)  I’m looking for the guy with that heady mix of the sensuous and intellect that makes me weak in the knees.

Each of these men is nice; no glaring issues that I can tell.  I’ve had at least one date with all of them, and seen two of them a couple of times. I got a moment of mild panic last week on a first date when I tried to remember how many kids he had. After conversations with 5 men I couldn’t keep track. Fortunately I got it right, so what I did when I came home was to make a dating database. I made a spreadsheet complete with photos and necessary details. I’ve ranked them according to my like-ability criterion, making notes about each date and bits of ‘history’ that are important. And, if you know me well, then you know there is a column about the kiss. I think there is a direct correlation between the ability to kiss and skill in the bedroom.

I do not intend to date multiple men. And, I certainly do not intend to end up in an intimate relationship with more than one of them. But, for now this is a great place for me to be. It’s leisurely and pleasant.  They’re all very different.  I never dated multiple guys at any point in my single life, but there’s something about online dating that seems to encourage dating as one would approach a cheese platter.  My social calendar has been busier these last 2 weeks than it has been in years. Frankly, it’s a bit tiring.

Tonight I stay at home, no shaved legs, no clean hair…. just a night of catch-up. And, I may sneak a peek at  Match.com, because while this detached attitude reflects a more nuanced approach to the opposite sex, it also points to the fact that none of these are going to be in it for the long haul. And, I may need to do some more weeding in the garden this week, too. We’ll see, Wednesday night is date # two with the last of these guys.

Online Dating: The Value of a Phone Call

 

There’s nothing like a phone call to give you a little insight into a perspective date.

 

 

 

Memorable lines from my dating history:

Would it be alright if I touched your feet during lunch?

My soon to be ex-wife asked me to come over tonight and watch the ____dogs (Westies?)  Repeat THREE times.

People compare me to Wilt Chamberlin. I think I had sex over 10,00 times with my second wife. Let’s talk about your sex life now. (oops, that was at our first date) Then he went on to tell me how he calculated it.

I struggle with deep, dark depression.

He answers the phone  with a loud raucous  “Hey Doll!”.   Startled, I say, “Hi, this is……” He hangs up and we never talk again.

I’ve had lots of ponies in my life. I had to sell my Mercedes and my big house with the pool.

My six year old son…………… ( he was around 60 years old)

 

I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones I remember. I actually had 2 dates with the foot guy! Very sexy man. I got pedicures before each date.

 

image from someecards.com

 

 

The Shell Game Called Dating

Three ‘shells’… three men. I’ve been in a place like this only once and it was a number of years ago. Last week, I found myself in correspondence with three men. And, I found myself moving past that initial email to phone calls. Unfortunately they were all scheduled for about the same time.

I consider a phone chat a mandatory prerequisite (yes, redundant) for dates. But, the evening was funky as I ran over to drink with a distressed friend. He wrote to say he had 2 bottles of booze, tequila and bourbon, with a little note saying ‘drink me’. Who can refuse that type of plea? I can’t. He had Knob Creek, so we sat in his kitchen sipping straight liquid gold and talked about our respective romantic issues. So, I let the call with Joe. v3 *  slide. It was a major mistake. We had a date scheduled for last Weds. I think. It didn’t go well and had we talked first I would have known this and cancelled. But, I didn’t.

It’s interesting trying to sort out 3 very different men. On the night I went out with Joe.v3, I talked on the phone with the other two. Believe me when I tell you that shifts gears like that is not easy. I was sorta brain dead by the end of the evening, but it was fun.   One is a scientist, one a rebel-bad boy-biker and the third is a library administrator. Two of them had the type of profile that draws me in; intelligent, well-written with an array of interests. And, the third? Well there was just something there that seemed to offer promise of adventure-he would be the bad boy.

On paper all three looked equally interesting. In person? Well, so far I’ve only met the scientist. It was a long 2 hours and ‘pouf’ it’s over.  So, we’re down to two. I’m talking on the phone and emailing with one and the other ? He’s been out of town or something…we have a tentative date this coming up weekend.  I’m shuffling the shells around and waiting to see where the prize is. If there is a prize. And, really I’m the one doing the shuffling and juggling as I wait to see which, if either, of these men holds enough interest for me. If I had to predict, I’d say that the library dude isn’t going to be it. But, the key is to be open and unattached.

It’s fun and I can’t see that there isn’t any reason for me to just enjoy the distractions. Both are being attentive enough… one is checking in daily and asking questions and showing interest in me. So, that’s a good thing. But, in the end it’s all a shell game. Slight of hand, clever disguises could be the prevailing theme right now.

 

* Joe. v3. I have had a run on Michael/Mike and Joe in my life of late. The last 4 men I’ve had more than a few dates with have been Michaels and Joes. All unsuccessful. And, through my romantic history I’ve been entangled with 4 men named Michael or Mike.  The most recent Michael has turned out to be a good friend….with good taste in liquor. But, the next time one of these names shows up on my computer screen I’m probably going to run. It’s too complicated. The only good thing is that I’m less likely to yell out the wrong name in the throes of passion.