The Intersection of Deliriously Divine, Sally Fields and Charles Manson

I have this awful habit of assuming I have to respond, positively, when a man seems to like me…even if they’re blatantly wrong for me. In this case the man would be the one I referenced in an early post. Even though I abruptly put a halt to our budding relationship he has not really given up. And, Tuesday night when he called, I answered the phone. It was actually kinda funny because he was caught off guard at hearing my voice and sputtered, “I should have written a speech”. I had been ignoring his texts, emails and phone calls.

With some distance and objectivity I was able to immediately recall why I knew this was a bad match. And, I tried delicately to explain the reasons I wasn’t going to see him. He assumed  it had everything to do with the 100 miles we live apart. I couldn’t really tell him that I think he’s on the slippery slope towards crazy or that his possible Parkinson was more than I want to embrace. But I tried. And the phone conversation ended with a Good bye yet I know he hasn’t given up.

I went to bed feeling bad and thinking I should write him. It  was midnight, I’d had 2 generous glasses of red wine and hilarity with SwanLady, who is here visiting. And, as I got into bed I thought about my tendency to assume that finding a man to like me is so rare that I have to engage. Being too lazy to get out of bed and share my thought, I sent SwanLady the following text, ” Thinking about John and it seems logical to remind myself that I wouldn’t respond to Charles Manson just because he liked me so I don’t need to respond to John. “  Then I lay there and giggled at this…waiting for her response.  Which never came-but that’s another story.

The point of my story? Well, summoning up Manson did the trick. This “John” may very well think I’m the hottest thing on the planet but he’s a bit of a nut and I’m not interested. There are a couple of men around who find me desirable and would still like to date or bed me. Most are men who wouldn’t be right for me in the long run and/ or men I don’t care for. Why go there? There are two who I’d consider, though neither would provide me with more than a temporary fix to my ‘aloneness’, a fun romp or two….one I’ve been resisting the urge to call for the last week or so. The pull is strong and I know it’s the wrong move.

This is the little girl talking, the one who can’t ever recall affection from her mother, the little girl who was taught to please, and be nice. The woman, who is currently in charge, is stronger than that. She knows that what she feels is more important than what ‘they’ want. And, she’s hopeful that one day there will be a mutual desire for connection.

Thanks to John for turning me on to this artist- Imelda May

Being Open to Unexpected Pleasures

I fulfilled my commitments with a smile and a dose of Southern graciousness.  The beer pouring was fun; I was with a local nonprofit for writers where I’m a member. By the end of a three hour stint pouring beer I was covered in beer and reeked, but it was fun. I’m having lunch with the one of the founders on Friday-that will be nice.

On Sunday I made the 2 hour drive to see my guy friend and his 3 dogs. The new puppy is absolutely adorable as you can see from the last post. The guy’s still pretty good as well. This continues to be an undefined relationship, if  you can call it that. And, I’m on the fence about how I feel and whether I’m simply having fun or wasting my time? It’s easy and comfortable and we act a long-married couple. Maybe it’s the thrills and chills I miss? The hot-to-trot aspect of a new relationship seems to be missing.. and since I’ve been asked to ‘not fall in love’ I am keeping the walls up a bit. The 2 night visit was all puppy and play- no conversation about anything challenging. I think we’re both on Match. I’m there because … he is. And him? Monogamy seems too close to marriage, I guess…. who knows. But, in the moment I can see that the time spent together is pleasant, so why not. If I should be fortunate enough to meet someone promising online I’d go out with him; the problem is that I’m comparing them all to Mike. And, I’m being pickier for some reason. Discernment in matters of the heart has never been one of my skills. to put it mildly

 

Pupdate

I’m in love….with a puppy. Who knew. She doesn’t have a name yet but it’s coming-maybe by the time I leave tomorrow we’ll have come up with her new name.. I’ve cleaned up more than a few puddles and took the early morning shift this A.M. 6:30.  It feels like having  a newborn all over again. She’s a bundle of energy and she loves the toy I brought, which is always nice.

I’ll crave an afternoon nap I’m sure. And, tomorrow night I’ll go to bed early, in my own bed. But for now, what fun.