I have this awful habit of assuming I have to respond, positively, when a man seems to like me…even if they’re blatantly wrong for me. In this case the man would be the one I referenced in an early post. Even though I abruptly put a halt to our budding relationship he has not really given up. And, Tuesday night when he called, I answered the phone. It was actually kinda funny because he was caught off guard at hearing my voice and sputtered, “I should have written a speech”. I had been ignoring his texts, emails and phone calls.
With some distance and objectivity I was able to immediately recall why I knew this was a bad match. And, I tried delicately to explain the reasons I wasn’t going to see him. He assumed it had everything to do with the 100 miles we live apart. I couldn’t really tell him that I think he’s on the slippery slope towards crazy or that his possible Parkinson was more than I want to embrace. But I tried. And the phone conversation ended with a Good bye yet I know he hasn’t given up.
I went to bed feeling bad and thinking I should write him. It was midnight, I’d had 2 generous glasses of red wine and hilarity with SwanLady, who is here visiting. And, as I got into bed I thought about my tendency to assume that finding a man to like me is so rare that I have to engage. Being too lazy to get out of bed and share my thought, I sent SwanLady the following text, ” Thinking about John and it seems logical to remind myself that I wouldn’t respond to Charles Manson just because he liked me so I don’t need to respond to John. “ Then I lay there and giggled at this…waiting for her response. Which never came-but that’s another story.
The point of my story? Well, summoning up Manson did the trick. This “John” may very well think I’m the hottest thing on the planet but he’s a bit of a nut and I’m not interested. There are a couple of men around who find me desirable and would still like to date or bed me. Most are men who wouldn’t be right for me in the long run and/ or men I don’t care for. Why go there? There are two who I’d consider, though neither would provide me with more than a temporary fix to my ‘aloneness’, a fun romp or two….one I’ve been resisting the urge to call for the last week or so. The pull is strong and I know it’s the wrong move.
This is the little girl talking, the one who can’t ever recall affection from her mother, the little girl who was taught to please, and be nice. The woman, who is currently in charge, is stronger than that. She knows that what she feels is more important than what ‘they’ want. And, she’s hopeful that one day there will be a mutual desire for connection.
Thanks to John for turning me on to this artist- Imelda May