A Pocket Full of Roses

In a cleaning frenzy yesterday while trying  to fend off “a mood” I found these roses. A crumbling reminder of yet another relationship that wasn’t destined to be. I’m not sure why I kept these…. actually I forgot they were here. They’re on the way to the trashcan- the vision of them  triggered the memory of all the foolish mistakes I’ve made in my dating life!

I’ve been dating on and off for 10+ years now. The roses–a 3 year relationship that I was so sure was going to be “IT”. He’s a nice guy and it wasn’t his fault. It was me. I  sacrificed what I knew I wanted for comfort and predictability. The idea that a man really cared about me, even when the feeling wasn’t mutual.  More than once I’ve allowed myself be swept up knowing deep down that it’s not really what I want. Today? I am clear on what my old habits and patterns are–and most of the time I make healthier choices.

Friday night an old boyfriend hit up on me–my fault for engaging in IM with him. Fool. His girlfriend is sick, in cancer treatments and he’s hitting up on me. Earlier in the week a man I can not remember contacting or meeting wrote me. He’s on deployment but wants to see me when he gets back (he’s now based here in my town) in June. I have no earthly idea who he is. I don’t remember talking to him, but clearly I did. I have no interest but have been unable to directly say that. I told him I was seeing someone but he thinks that emailing wouldn’t be an issue and asked for a photo. I’ve avoid a response so far.

So, there are two men who think about me and after some period of time still want a connection? I’m flattered, on some level, but….

It’s that time of year again. And, though I don’t really buy into the Valentine’s Day hype, it does have the effect of making me feel somewhat less than whole because I haven’t found that magical Mr. Right. I’ve allowed myself to be sucked into the romantic fairytale of our culture. Again and again. I could rerun last year’s post, nothing has changed and I actually had lobster mac and cheese for dinner Saturday night…..with my mother.

When one gets stuck in that Princess-Prince thing, it’s just a small step to pondering, albeit irrationally, what is wrong with yourself. That’s where the dating sites and self-help books come in. It’s a vicious marketing nightmare. Lose 10 lbs, buy a push-up bra, act prettier, be less assertive, try harder……  You get the point. I’m not doing that, but I used to.

What I am doing this pretty Monday morning is wondering when I’m going to start acting on my intuition, choosing the right path. And reminding myself to  celebrate every day as if I am the love of my life.

The Wacky, Wonderful World of Blogging

The world of blogging is fascinating…. where else would you find people who let you glimpse into their sex life, the decline of their marriage, depression, family life, the unfolding of a loved one’s death, teen angst,  and so forth.

I’ve been blogging now for two and a half years and have ‘met’ a number of wonderful people from down the road to opposite ends of the world: Australia, England, Singapore, Spain, Canada, the Caribbean and all points in between. To date, I have not had a face to face meeting with any of my fellow bloggers but there are many times when I wish that we could come together.

I’ve offered advice to a 16 year old young woman from Singapore and read the juiciest tidbits from a nurse in Australia, workplace humor and mock venom from Canadians and West Coasters… and laughed and cried with my Brit friends.

I love the world of blogging and I love the offline interaction that pops up here and there. Right now I’m intrigued by someone who pushes all of my buttons and a few of my triggers. Worlds away. What fun.

Is there a virtual meeting place where we can reach out and touch, feel the essence of another? Something sci-fi like…or reminiscent of The Matrix.  In some ways we experience a one-dimensional world as bloggers…yet the offline interaction as well as the commenting gives us more of a fullness for the person on the other side of the computer. We may never see this person or know if the nurse is really a nurse, or even if Divine is a woman (and if you’re in doubt, tell me… I’ll send a photo), and yet we often see more of their lives than the people around them are allowed to see. It’s an amazing world, this world of the personal blog.

I’m a tactile person, so this realm is ultimately unsatisfying for me. I want to see you in person, I want to touch your white beard or poke at your little dog’s tail…. see your camera, feel the heat, get inside your brain,, touch your bear fur and hear your school stories up close and personal. This world fulfills much of my desire to share and explore my horizons in a way I could never do here in my own community…yet it leaves me yearning for more– often.

Tell us about your blogging experiences.

 

Footnote: One of my old favs, no longer active, was a blog called Sick Days, life in a world of corporate dogs. Brilliant stuff, if you’re reading this my dear AlanT.