OK, So I’m Wrong… I Can’t Give the Cat Away

Why I’ve decided to keep at least one of my cats? Well, for starters–he’s way more available than most of the men I meet.

He’s self-sufficient. Really, now many men do you know who can lick their own privates?

Martin, my cat, is highly intuitive. When I sit on the sofa, which is where I do “me” writing, he magically appears and gets quite close. Sometimes his head rests on my arm. It’s a tad intrusive, but then he rolls over and looks at me piercingly with his green eyes. And I feel loved.

Martin, unlike many men, doesn’t require much attention. He isn’t the whiny type…that’s his brother’s job. Martin eats when I tell him too, does his business discreetly out in the yard and comes promptly, happily, when I call him.

When I think about the things I want in a relationship, he seems to fit many of those, He’s fit and trim, well-groomed. A little younger and quite spry. I don’t think he’s cheating on me and he satisfies me, in his own way. Not jealous of my toys at all.

I’ve had trouble with the concept of knowing what I really want and sticking to that. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for failed relationships. Expectations need to be matched with realistic understandings of what I want and what others can offer me.

A man recently approached me with a vagueness that I let slide. He said things like “it’s complicated” and “but, we lead separate lives”. Each direct question got the “it’s complicated” response, paired with “we can talk about it”. Wait…we are talking about it, aren’t we?  I cut him loose before things got started. Martin never does that kind of double-talk.

Maybe everything I want is here at home. A little catnip, warmth in the middle of the night and a low-maintenance male in the house?

A Pocket Full of Roses

In a cleaning frenzy yesterday while trying  to fend off “a mood” I found these roses. A crumbling reminder of yet another relationship that wasn’t destined to be. I’m not sure why I kept these…. actually I forgot they were here. They’re on the way to the trashcan- the vision of them  triggered the memory of all the foolish mistakes I’ve made in my dating life!

I’ve been dating on and off for 10+ years now. The roses–a 3 year relationship that I was so sure was going to be “IT”. He’s a nice guy and it wasn’t his fault. It was me. I  sacrificed what I knew I wanted for comfort and predictability. The idea that a man really cared about me, even when the feeling wasn’t mutual.  More than once I’ve allowed myself be swept up knowing deep down that it’s not really what I want. Today? I am clear on what my old habits and patterns are–and most of the time I make healthier choices.

Friday night an old boyfriend hit up on me–my fault for engaging in IM with him. Fool. His girlfriend is sick, in cancer treatments and he’s hitting up on me. Earlier in the week a man I can not remember contacting or meeting wrote me. He’s on deployment but wants to see me when he gets back (he’s now based here in my town) in June. I have no earthly idea who he is. I don’t remember talking to him, but clearly I did. I have no interest but have been unable to directly say that. I told him I was seeing someone but he thinks that emailing wouldn’t be an issue and asked for a photo. I’ve avoid a response so far.

So, there are two men who think about me and after some period of time still want a connection? I’m flattered, on some level, but….

It’s that time of year again. And, though I don’t really buy into the Valentine’s Day hype, it does have the effect of making me feel somewhat less than whole because I haven’t found that magical Mr. Right. I’ve allowed myself to be sucked into the romantic fairytale of our culture. Again and again. I could rerun last year’s post, nothing has changed and I actually had lobster mac and cheese for dinner Saturday night…..with my mother.

When one gets stuck in that Princess-Prince thing, it’s just a small step to pondering, albeit irrationally, what is wrong with yourself. That’s where the dating sites and self-help books come in. It’s a vicious marketing nightmare. Lose 10 lbs, buy a push-up bra, act prettier, be less assertive, try harder……  You get the point. I’m not doing that, but I used to.

What I am doing this pretty Monday morning is wondering when I’m going to start acting on my intuition, choosing the right path. And reminding myself to  celebrate every day as if I am the love of my life.

Four Days Left! Are You Prepared for the Most Romantic Day of the Year?

Valentine’s Day is coming and this is your chance to make a big impression. It is a delightful way to say all the loving things you’ve saved up over the last 364 days.

Of course this is a ‘holiday’ that is mostly geared towards men and involves, nay, demands!,  the expenditure of money on a woman. For what? A day of forced excitement and cheerfulness? A romp in the sack that makes up for the rest of the year? Ha.

But, guys. If you play your cards right you might get your rewards too. Apparently, thanks to Tom Birdsey, March 14 is been declared as Steak and BJ Day. Yessiree..  Wouldn’t I love to be in charge of marketing for that one!  The male version of Valentine’s Day where loving women treat their man to a big juicy steak and an equally juicy blowjob. Wow. What’s not to like about that? Unless you’re a woman with a strong gag reflex, a vegetarian, or a woman who hates giving head. If your lady falls in one of those categories, my advice to you is buy a Whitman Sampler from CVS and call it a day!

But, wait!  Women have caught on. And, as we’re always nagging and bitching (except on Valentine’s Day) we’ve come up with a bit of a retort to your day of jollies! Please click and watch…it’s worth it and I can’t figure out how to embed it here. A Woman’s Perspective on Steak and BJ Day.

 

yeah, yeah…I’m just a bitchy old single woman. I know.

 

 

Let Me Turn Around So Someone Can Kick Me

I’m such an idiot sometimes and this morning I’m in full discovery and disclosure… and it’s about to ruin the day. Because, as we all know, once you get irritated about one thing it’s easy for every thing else to go to hell in a handbasket.

I’m volunteering for a local nonprofit tonight, to pour beer tonight; it could rain, it’s hot as hell and I’ll be standing up, in the heat and direct sun, from 5:15 PM until 8 PM. Ugh. I volunteered. And, by 5 PM I’ll have my “isn’t this fun” hat on and it’ll be fine. But, right now I’m wishing I’d said no.

And, I volunteered to go help “Mike” with a new puppy- so I’m driving down there on Sunday to spend 2 nights helping w/ this new thing. And, I should have said no, that I had too much work to do and didn’t want to spend gas money for a man who isn’t going to advance my goals and objectives. How’s that for harsh and overly objective? But, I offered and I’ve committed so I’ll do it. And, it’ll be fine. I’m on the fence about him and this won’t really help…although living through a few sleepless nights together will certainly test our ‘niceness’.

So, as I kick myself this morning everything else seems wrong. I weigh 3 lbs. more than I did a few days ago. The blouse had mysterious stains on the sleeve.  My kitchen is a mess and the cats are underfoot. And, on and on and on…………

So as I eat my Raisin Bran Crunch in jeans and a camisole (so as not to prematurely wrinkle newly ironed, stained white linen top) I will say a mantra of love and compassion and acceptance. Take a deep breath and take my blood pressure medicine.  Oh, yeah.. And evoke the spirit of Julian of Norwich. “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

 

The Longest Date in the History of Romance

I’m still here, figured you’d want to know that. And, surprise…the hunt for the perfect man continues. Yesterday a dear friend asked if I really wanted to be in a long-term relationship, more specifically did I really want to give up playing the field. It looks like more fun from the outside I guess! I do love to flirt and play. And, I’ve been fortunate enough of late to develop a nice friendship with a guy I met on Match. No long-term interest for either of us, but a nice easy relationship has continued. We’re both looking for something more serious and we discuss that while we enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve been in three significant relationships, and I’ve ended all three. The last one was a mistake in judgement on my part. Some bit of my intuition told me he wasn’t right for me, but nonetheless I forged ahead and we were tightly enmeshed for about 16 months. My reflections on the past are getting in the way of me moving forward. I’m analyzing what went wrong in order to not repeat history–not a bad idea, but it’s keeping me from being present to what’s going on in the moment. I do want a long-term relationship. I’m tired of missing out on the significant pieces of a good relationship. Sitting together, toes tucked under each others legs, as we read books, cooking a meal together, holding hands in the darkness of a movie theater and enjoying our families together.  Simple pleasures.

My analysis has been about what didn’t work, about what ‘someone’ did wrong; yesterday I had to acknowledge that I’ve never really met the man who could sustain my interest- the man who was emotionally balanced, single, and committed to me, committed to making ‘us’ work. And, the kind of man I was ‘meant’ to be with. Hard to explain, but that right blend of characteristics that fits with who I am.

Why am I yammering on about this? I’m approaching date three with a guy I met on Match. As you may recall , date two was something exciting and daring and perfectly delightful.  That spark is there for both of us and I’m overthinking things in my reactive mode here. In my desire to not let myself make a mistake again I risk holding myself back.  The reality is just that we’re having a great time and we feel a connection. That’s as far as it goes for now-no future, no past, just present. Date three will be a 5 night stay at his place again; we’re taking this in exponential leaps. Leaps with our eyes wide open and full of excitement. As he said, what do we have to lose? It’s pretty exciting to be in a place like this, to have found a man, so full of life, who’s not afraid of having fun, taking risks and being open about it.  It doesn’t hurt that he’s brilliant, well-read, and sings to me. Heady stuff.