Is It Dating or dating?

So…. my dating life!  I went traipsing off almost 2 weeks ago to spend 5 nights with a man I met through Match. It was our third date-a long one. I stayed at his house during this time. We already know how excited I was and I hinted at some of my preparations for the trip.

We had a very good time together. Our relationship is easy and falls into place naturally. We share some common interests and complement each other nicely… I think we would both agree on that. But, I was ‘stepping into’ a spot filled by what would appear to be a wonderful wife of 40+ years. She died very suddenly 18 months ago. It was a loving relationship and he’s not ready to let go. And what that means for anyone who wants to be in a relationship of sorts with this man is challenging…depending on her end goal. And, that is where our paths diverge.

He would like to continue to see me but only if I’m willing to agree to be in the moment, to give up hope of a commitment. And, if I’m willing to share, as he doesn’t want a monogamous situation.  Wow… talk about  a tough call. I’ve dated or met quite a few men since 2001 and as each year passes I am more certain that I want a more permanent man in my life. I could already have a playmate closer to home if I wanted. One with similar characteristics and features but he’s not very available either.

This guy, lets call him Mike…..  This guy is great fun, and we have an affectionate connection but he wants to just live in the moment and he wants me to be there too. And, he doesn’t want me to be jealous about this other woman, who I think takes a lower ranking on the totem pole of women (as if that matters, in this situation). All fine and well, it’s a free country and he’s very honest about how this looks from his perspective. And, he is aware that I’ve got more of a desire for a commitment. The thought has passed through my mind, and probably the other woman’s as well, that he just needs time to grieve. If I stick with it there might be a chance. But, that’s a very bad way to go about it and could lead to more hurt. So, my decision has to include that understanding.

I’ve expressed my feelings on the arrangement and I’ve made no definite decisions. And, I haven’t pursued setting up date #4 at this moment. I don’t want to fall in love and get hurt; I’m also reluctant to travel 2 hours away for someone who offers no long-term return on my investment (crude as that may sound). He’s getting a new puppy so coming here with 3 dogs is a bit too much; I have cats.  So, I’m looking around again…sadly there are no men online who live near by who would seem like  a good match…specially after spending time with Mike. Of all the men I’ve met, dated, fucked, bedded, and/or contemplated in my post-divorce life he absolutely has the best blend of all the things I want. Right down to reading to me in bed. <sigh>

And, where I’m heading, at this moment,  is to make no decision. To just let things happen on their own. If we decide to see each other again I’ll gladly go see him. Why not enjoy myself and spend time with a funny, intelligent, nice guy? As long as I’m alert and we keep an open conversation it can work…. I think.  He’s more companionable than either of my cats.

 

The Rollercoaster of Love

I woke up at 5:32 this morning after a long restless night. I feel asleep muttering and grousing about my latest online dating disaster.  It’s one of those places I hate to be in-the one of regrets and frustration. Lying there in the quiet, feeling very alone, I had a fleeting vision of myself living a solitary life from here to eternity.

Man#2 wrote yesterday, starting with the word “Geez”, I don’t really know what I want. I guess I’m not really ready for a relationship. Do I like being with you? yes…. Do I want to keep my options open? yes…. and concluded with saying he was still open for a movie this weekend if I was ok with this.  Well, fuck no I’m not ok with this. This is like a rollercoaster. Within 12 days this man went from lusting after my body and soul to complete withdrawal/can’t talk to you to ‘ok, let’s see each other’ and now back to I dunna know.

Yeah, yeah,  I was going to just date around and have fun. And, this would be fine and fits the criteria. But, really. I thought I was the one who was supposed to be doing the emotionally indecisive thing? I found myself inordinately frustrated last night and looking at other men online. And, that only contributed to this spiral of self-loathing and fear of being alone forever. And, yes  it’s silly and dramatic and I’ll snap out of it very soon. But, it’s Friday and Friday nights are always a challenge for me- I feel like the only 16 year old who didn’t get invited to the prom. That can lead to a few minutes of abject pity and 16 year old type behavior- I’m not attractive, what’s wrong with me kinda stuff.

Logically?

1. Man#2 has some issues. It would not have worked and this is the Dating God’s way of helping me get clear.
2. I’m alone because I dumped the last 2 guys because they were wrong for me.
3. I’m exaggerating about the alone stuff- a little. I’ll get a nice movie tonight and bottle of wine w/ good dinner and be fine.
4. A little attitude reshaping and anticipation of next week’s rendezvous and the pity crap will disappear.
5. And, lastly… look at all the extra time I’ll have for writing.

Yea, I’m whining and exaggerating this a tad for your amusement. I know, this is Deliriously Divine not Deliriously Depressive so I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It’s just another frustrating moment in the life of a single woman seeking divine love through an online dating site.

As for Man#2, he better not change his mind again because I don’t do rollercoasters.

*Seriously, don’t send platitudes or condolences.. no “it’ll be better in the morning” stuff. I’m really not 16, I can  handle this.