OK, So I’m Wrong… I Can’t Give the Cat Away

Why I’ve decided to keep at least one of my cats? Well, for starters–he’s way more available than most of the men I meet.

He’s self-sufficient. Really, now many men do you know who can lick their own privates?

Martin, my cat, is highly intuitive. When I sit on the sofa, which is where I do “me” writing, he magically appears and gets quite close. Sometimes his head rests on my arm. It’s a tad intrusive, but then he rolls over and looks at me piercingly with his green eyes. And I feel loved.

Martin, unlike many men, doesn’t require much attention. He isn’t the whiny type…that’s his brother’s job. Martin eats when I tell him too, does his business discreetly out in the yard and comes promptly, happily, when I call him.

When I think about the things I want in a relationship, he seems to fit many of those, He’s fit and trim, well-groomed. A little younger and quite spry. I don’t think he’s cheating on me and he satisfies me, in his own way. Not jealous of my toys at all.

I’ve had trouble with the concept of knowing what I really want and sticking to that. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for failed relationships. Expectations need to be matched with realistic understandings of what I want and what others can offer me.

A man recently approached me with a vagueness that I let slide. He said things like “it’s complicated” and “but, we lead separate lives”. Each direct question got the “it’s complicated” response, paired with “we can talk about it”. Wait…we are talking about it, aren’t we?  I cut him loose before things got started. Martin never does that kind of double-talk.

Maybe everything I want is here at home. A little catnip, warmth in the middle of the night and a low-maintenance male in the house?

A Pocket Full of Roses

In a cleaning frenzy yesterday while trying  to fend off “a mood” I found these roses. A crumbling reminder of yet another relationship that wasn’t destined to be. I’m not sure why I kept these…. actually I forgot they were here. They’re on the way to the trashcan- the vision of them  triggered the memory of all the foolish mistakes I’ve made in my dating life!

I’ve been dating on and off for 10+ years now. The roses–a 3 year relationship that I was so sure was going to be “IT”. He’s a nice guy and it wasn’t his fault. It was me. I  sacrificed what I knew I wanted for comfort and predictability. The idea that a man really cared about me, even when the feeling wasn’t mutual.  More than once I’ve allowed myself be swept up knowing deep down that it’s not really what I want. Today? I am clear on what my old habits and patterns are–and most of the time I make healthier choices.

Friday night an old boyfriend hit up on me–my fault for engaging in IM with him. Fool. His girlfriend is sick, in cancer treatments and he’s hitting up on me. Earlier in the week a man I can not remember contacting or meeting wrote me. He’s on deployment but wants to see me when he gets back (he’s now based here in my town) in June. I have no earthly idea who he is. I don’t remember talking to him, but clearly I did. I have no interest but have been unable to directly say that. I told him I was seeing someone but he thinks that emailing wouldn’t be an issue and asked for a photo. I’ve avoid a response so far.

So, there are two men who think about me and after some period of time still want a connection? I’m flattered, on some level, but….

It’s that time of year again. And, though I don’t really buy into the Valentine’s Day hype, it does have the effect of making me feel somewhat less than whole because I haven’t found that magical Mr. Right. I’ve allowed myself to be sucked into the romantic fairytale of our culture. Again and again. I could rerun last year’s post, nothing has changed and I actually had lobster mac and cheese for dinner Saturday night…..with my mother.

When one gets stuck in that Princess-Prince thing, it’s just a small step to pondering, albeit irrationally, what is wrong with yourself. That’s where the dating sites and self-help books come in. It’s a vicious marketing nightmare. Lose 10 lbs, buy a push-up bra, act prettier, be less assertive, try harder……  You get the point. I’m not doing that, but I used to.

What I am doing this pretty Monday morning is wondering when I’m going to start acting on my intuition, choosing the right path. And reminding myself to  celebrate every day as if I am the love of my life.

That’s Life

What is it that Frank Sinatra sings, That’s Life…… ? Thursday here and almost through a busy week. This world of 2 part time jobs and a volunteer commitment and a few left over writing projects is making for chaos. Today is a half and half day. I’m presenting (for free!!) to a group of nonprofit directors, topic-blogging for nonprofits. Then I switch over to my new job working in the aging caregiving business. Tomorrow is my retail day. Saturday? I think I’d like to sleep all day.

This isn’t really a post, as you can see, but rather a rambling bunch of words designed to reassure you that things are back to normal. Or me.

Next week I start a more normal routine without all the little side activities I’d taken on over the last year or so. Just straight work. And, for the October I think I’ll live without online dating. It will make a serious dent in my ability to find fun stories and winge and cringe about men, but it will be a welcome break. I’ve gotten invites to 3 events that I am thinking about attending, alone. I know that I’ll feel a bit uncomfortable at one of them but screw it… I’m going. It’s a big deal college alumni event at a very classic estate nearby and I can leave at any point. I always feel that I have to go to events as part of a couple, so I am missing out on a slice of life that I would like to participate in. I’m a skilled public person so it’s not about lacking conversational tools or being afraid of being out alone at night. It’s always been about looking awkward alone-I think it’s easier for men to do this than women. And, I realize that I’ve bought into the cultural myth, ancient as it is, that women should be escorted. That’s a revelation I just had…this moment, wow.

As I head into the weekend I have few obligations- lunch with my brother and his wife and later a get-together with a few good female friends. Maybe as I sort through the clutter on my desk I can sort through the clutter in my brain!  Ha, that’s a novel idea.

Happy weekend to you all. Big plans, anyone?

C’mon Guys… Man Up

So, guys… I know you’re there and reading. I want your opinion on yesterday’s post, and so do my other 10 readers!

Let’s pretend that you have erectile dysfunction and you’ve started taking Cialis or Levitra (they have longer lasting effects than Viagra so are more suited for this conversation). You’re medicated and suddenly something romantic happens- pretending that you need something romantic to get your mojo stirring- and you feel that surge. Are you going to suggest a bath in twin tubs, or a walk in the woods?

  What would a man in this situation be most likely to do?

This, That and The Other

Bits and Pieces:

My sister is getting married and I’m making the cakes!  So, I wonder why I’m sitting here writing when I should be testing my chocolate ganache. It should be an interest event. We have a wee bit of family drama looming…like one sib who isn’t talking to some of us (that would be me…). I just hope that no one has too much to drink and confronts him. I certainly won’t be. Maybe I’ll post an update next week….we’ll see.

Men: what’s different this week? Not much. I do have sufficient clarity to know that the guy who’s just been separated for 2 months is a waste of my time. Besides he signed one of his emails with Semper Fi. Gawd. I mean, really. I love Mark Harmon and would do him in a flash, but really… Semper Fi? During our phone chat he told me THREE times about babysitting the wife’s Westies. He wants to come see me a week from Sunday and assumed we’d have dinner at my house… he mentioned bringing wine (plural). HA! I”m cutting this one off quickly.  The other guy who contacted me is probably really nice, but not my type. I’m not even sure why I encouraged him.  Now, I guess I just let it die a slow, unattended-to death-like another one recently. The problem is mine in that I can’t get very excited about these guys.  They’re not what I want and I’m comparing them to “Mike” and someone else.

The someone else is a guy I’ve seen on and off for over 7  years. I ran into him last night…. we’re in “off” mode right now.  Like the light switch.  I vowed that this time we’d be really, really, really done. That “we’d pretend like it was over, until it was over.” And, yet I got flustered and agitated and I want to email him but I know it would be a very subtle hook.  So, I’m not.  Though he may still be reading the blog in which case……

And Mike? He’s around I guess. I’m waiting for him to make the next contact… thinking I do too much initiating. I offered an invite for him to come here, but he said the puppy was probably too young, he’d have to see, was tired, etc…..We’ll just have to wait and see how this one plays out. I’m not holding my breath.

Other tidbits in my life? I’m still searching for a job. I keep getting rejections, maybe because I’m so old? Or over qualified? Or competing with 100 other people? Who knows, and it’s irrelevant. The point is that I can’t find a job. I’ve got some breathing room because I sold a piece of property.  I didn’t want to and I hate that someone else will be that close to my house, even though the closest bit of the property is un-buildable. I sold it to a neighbor who bought it mainly so some stranger wouldn’t come and build a house there. It gives me a few more months… and then?

And, then? Well, maybe I need to suck it up and start playing nice with these guys who don’t really hold all that much appeal? Maybe marriage is my answer? I’m contemplating renting out rooms on weekends; I live in a college town. But the thought of having people in my house when I’m not here is creepy. And, having ‘guests’ when I am here feels awkward? But, it’s a possibility which I’m seriously exploring.

I’m also exploring, seriously, combining my writing skills with my considerable dating experience to offer help with writing online dating profiles. I’ve done a little research and am trying to decide how to go about marketing this. I found some great ‘good’ and ‘bad’ examples to start with-in men’s profiles. I think it might be easier and more profitable to offer help to men?  I’m just mulling this over now and will start in earnest after the wedding!

If you have some brilliant ideas for me, feel free to suggest!

Being Open to Unexpected Pleasures

I fulfilled my commitments with a smile and a dose of Southern graciousness.  The beer pouring was fun; I was with a local nonprofit for writers where I’m a member. By the end of a three hour stint pouring beer I was covered in beer and reeked, but it was fun. I’m having lunch with the one of the founders on Friday-that will be nice.

On Sunday I made the 2 hour drive to see my guy friend and his 3 dogs. The new puppy is absolutely adorable as you can see from the last post. The guy’s still pretty good as well. This continues to be an undefined relationship, if  you can call it that. And, I’m on the fence about how I feel and whether I’m simply having fun or wasting my time? It’s easy and comfortable and we act a long-married couple. Maybe it’s the thrills and chills I miss? The hot-to-trot aspect of a new relationship seems to be missing.. and since I’ve been asked to ‘not fall in love’ I am keeping the walls up a bit. The 2 night visit was all puppy and play- no conversation about anything challenging. I think we’re both on Match. I’m there because … he is. And him? Monogamy seems too close to marriage, I guess…. who knows. But, in the moment I can see that the time spent together is pleasant, so why not. If I should be fortunate enough to meet someone promising online I’d go out with him; the problem is that I’m comparing them all to Mike. And, I’m being pickier for some reason. Discernment in matters of the heart has never been one of my skills. to put it mildly

 

You Slept With How Many Women? OMG

The month of May was clearly a month of spring fever induced internet searching here at Deliriously Divine.  My top three search engine terms:

1. Boob shapes with 51 searches sending people to DD looking for boobs (that includes you, John  Hayden)

2. Saggy Boobs with 25 searches

3. Old Lady Sex with 23 . I want to proclaim loud and clear that Ms. Divine here is not a) an old lady and b) having sex with me is not the same as doing it with dried up, old relic!!!

Of course, we’re not only about sex here.  I write on other topics and people are finding me with other search terms. The most popular non-sexual (I hope) term? GOAT.

Some people say love makes the world go around. Or maybe it’s sex that makes the world go around? Hard to say.

For no particular reason, let’s segue.

Well, it’s about sex. I had dinner with a dear friend, a friend with whom I was enjoying all the benefits (until the new prospect).  He cooked for me–who doesn’t adore a man who does the NYT crossword puzzle (in pen) and cooks softshell crabs?  Over dinner, and working our way through a bottle of wine, we started talking about sex and our former lovers.  Being friends, and having a certain level of intimacy, the conversation was easy since there are no worries about offending or scaring off or ruining a potential good thing. As, an aside, I’ve never had a relationship quite like this…it’s wonderful and easy and my recent announcement that the benefits part was over or at the very least on temporary hold, was graciously received ( I told him well before he planned the evening). So, we let it rip and starting sharing our list…. Wow!  It was fun. He clearly eclipses me in the sex partner category. We tallied our whole life numbers as well as our post marriage(s) numbers. I’ve been married once, he’s gone around twice. I didn’t think to add in men with whom I’d been more than once but at different points in my life… I think they only count as one? Or maybe not?  I have 2 of those.

The conversation touched on our need for connection and how that is often translated into sex. And, we talked about goal driven behavior and it’s place or intrusion on sex lives. It was the most open conversation about sex I’ve ever had with a man, in that we talked about the underlying emotions. Fabulous.

Yesterday I discovered Dear Prudence, on Slate.com, and coincidentally I found this video, check it out!  Dear Prudie, My Boyfriend Has Slept with Everyone.

Needless to say I shared it with my friend.

Today, I’m going to take a few minutes to jot down the actual list of men… Just ’cause. But I’m not sharing.

One Bitter Middle-Aged Woman’s Take on the Big Love Day

I’m totally not enthused about the upcoming big holiday and all the garbage/hype surrounding Valentine’s Day.  I did ‘celebrate’ the event last year, and the fake vase of roses I received is now languishing at Goodwill.

And, as a single woman this time around I’m feeling the distinct lack of love and romance.  So, here’s my first installment of great love-break up songs.  Warning, this is the real version and does contain the “F” word. I think this is a pretty great song!

ps: I’m not really all that bitter and it makes a great title.