Your Morning Quickie: Less Commitment, No Sticky Sheets, No Risks

Morning,

You probably already know that my love life is a bit of a mess ( well, correction, let me be more positive…it’s just not what I have previously wished it to be) . So, I’ve decided to make decisions I wouldn’t normally make. I’m being a little more impulsive than usual. Yes, a big Yikes!

• The corset has been shipped so I have a fun time coming with a blog review under my real name. I’ll give more salacious details here.
• Yesterday I got an invitation to try a free sample of Zestra, a women’s topical application to enhance sexual stimulation. Why not? I just wrote to say yes. Bring It On.
• Yesterday I had a lunch date with a 76 year old. I’ve never been out with someone significantly older so I figured why not. He’s a bit of a mess romantically so I’m not sure there’ll be a second date. He did manage to work into the conversation the obligatory statement about virility. Sigh…..
• So, last night, feeling that I had nothing to lose… with glass of wine in hand, I wrote the 35 year old on OkCupid who has been looking at my profile. “Teddy” thinks I’m cute and has experience with older women. He’s not much on writing in complete sentences, but…. His second email asked “what are u looking for ??“. And, I have to admit a little shiver of delight washed over me. Not due to the poetic sweet way he writes “u”. Unwilling to put S-E-X out there I made some reference to flirtation, good conversation and the possibility of more……

There is as much potential in the 35 year old as there is in the 76 year old. But, I’m not feeling like I have the emotional state of mind to be serious right now so I’m playing the little girl in the candy shop!

Did I mention that 35 year old Teddy was posing shirtless? He’s a swimmer… (I’m breaking all my normal rules here) And, the 76 year old? He’s a retired farmer.

Yesterday was something else…

Fondly,

Deliriously Divine

Divine Timeline

Wednesday, March 21

6:10 am-   Alarm. Pee. Pills

6:20 am-  Feed Cats. Coffee.

8:20am- Blueberry skin wedged between teeth.

9:15am-  Coffee with colleague.

4:10pm- Email: “meeting over… on way home. See you soon?”

5pm-   Wine in hand. Back deck.

5:15pm-  Splinter in 3rd finger, right hand.

5:58pm-  Sperm in hair!

7:10pm- Topeka Steakhouse (quasi-business) Late. Breathless.

8:50pm- Hotel room. 6 Women. Wine. Merriment.

10:49pm-  Driving Home.

11:30pm-  Sleeping like a baby.

 

 

A Man and His….Dog

I’ve finally become the wise old sex goddess I was destined for…. only things are not going quite as planned. Or maybe they are? My experience with men, varied and far too many, has led me to this Ah Ha moment.

Men are like dogs.

I’m not a dog owner so this is simply an observation. So often you see a happy dog roll over on his back, showing his stomach. Actually one of my cats does this-he cocks his head and looks at me to say “rub please”… all happy and eager. He’s on display and trying his best to get his owner’s attention.

Men like to show their, ahem…… dick. I’ve experienced this more times than my children would ever want to hear me express publicly.  It typically happens in one of two ways. The two of you are kissing and he’s getting excited. Invariably he’ll take your hand and force it and gently bring it over to his bulging pants. The touch is paired with a sigh or moan of delight. His.  Or, depending on your prior intimacy, he may unzip his pants. I’ve been in those experiences- we’re kissing or touching and I’m aware of hand movement. I look down and he’s pulled the damn thing out. Like a dog who’s just brought you a dead squirrel, dropping it at your feet.  Look what I’ve got! Pant, pant.  More often the comment is, “Look what you did to my <insert some genital name here>”.  At that point he’s excited and in discovery mode. You’d think the poor guy had never gotten an erection. Note: for older men the appearance of a hard blunt object often elicits awe at our divine powers.

I admit to having once or twice murmured in awe, but only at an exceptionally large specimen.

Swanlady, a frequent commenter, is visiting me for a few weeks. We were on my deck yesterday enjoying a Makers and ginger ale discussing this male phenomenon. And, here’s the thing-neither of us can ever recall a story of a woman whipping out a breast to proclaim excitement about an erect nipple. Well, she’s heard of it once. But, really.

What is it, guys? Can’t you keep it in your pants. Is an erection so spectacular that you have to make sure we feel it right then and there. Sofa… car… church parking lot…bar (surreptitiously)….darkened movie theater. C’mon. We’re adults.

I take great pleasure in the seductive arts. I love to touch, I’m just that kind of tactile woman. And, knowing that Viagra might not be needed is a big plus in any relationship. But, I outgrew Show and Tell a few years ago. You don’t need to press your pants material around your member and say, with a glazed over look, ‘check this out’  or ‘wanna feel my weiner’ etc….. There is a 50/50 chance that I’m going to go straight to ‘oh my God, another, f#*@ing pervert’.  Really.

If I want to stroke it, I know how to unzip your pants and I know how to take matters into my own hand.  Don’t shove that damn thing in my face when I’m not ready for it. OK?

The Summer of 1972, Revisited

1972 was the year I lost my virginity, graduated from high school and lost my father. Needless to say it was a painful summer. My father was at my graduation, and dead in less than a week. I was 17, he was 43. I spent the summer in a daze; drinking, doing recreational mind-numbing activities and trying to lose myself. Every day.

I met Michael. I’d seen him from afar-the aloof, quiet stoner type with longish blonde hair and a cute smile. We were all a bit in love with him. I happened to get a date with him; many of the details are fuzzy. VW van , some booze, probably some pot and we then snuck into a hotel room, which I think he rented. I was sneaking as it would have been quite a ‘fuss’ if I’d been discovered. I lived in a town of 500, my father had been the Commonwealth Attorney-everyone knew me. We settled into the darken room, the television on,  and got down to serious screwing. It was wonderful in that it was my first experience of a spontaneous orgasm. No stimulation, or foreplay, just two young people getting it on (he was my second). I think we met one more time, in the back of his van, for a repeat…No orgasm as I recall.

And, then… he disappeared. He didn’t call. He started dating one of my good friends, a “goody-two-shoes”. I was pretty devastated and sure that it was because I had been ‘too easy’.

Fast forward to the summer of 2011. I’m dating a similar type, a bit of a bad boy, not very chatty and not really my type. I pushed back the sex once, saying we needed to talk. The second time, last Sunday… we got to that place again and I did, indeed, talk a little about what it might mean and where we were going as a couple. He didn’t have much to say…. and I already knew he was a not so great kisser (an indication I should have paid more attention to). Well, 30 minutes or so later, we are getting entangled and clothes are moving. With full awareness I went forward.  It was not a reciprocal event. But, I gave my very best and he seemed satisfied. We then went to dinner, pleasant and similar to the other dates. We  parted with a  nice kiss and then…..

Yep. He never wrote. When I logged into Facebook if he was there, he logged out. I waited 3 days, not initiating anything-feeling he should make the move. Nothing. I wrote to express mild disappointment that we had not talked about this, acknowledging what we both knew-that we were not a good fit. I’ve been pretty peeved by the whole affair (tee hee). And, it reminds me of past indiscretions. No harm as it wasn’t a big deal and I was basically a giver, not a taker. If it had been great sex I’d have a different range of emotions. But, it’s pretty damn rude for a man in his late 50′s.  And, the next time some charmer tries to get close I’ll hold my ground and insist on a two-sided, open conversation.

History repeats itself, ever so often. We learn and have the opportunity to modify  behavior.

Is Your Man a Cuddler?

I love cuddling, and the feeling of having that special guy curled up behind me with his arms wrapped around me is  delightful. I’m occasionally willing to be gently nudged (ha!) awake with that bodily contact in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Cuddle me and you can almost always have your way with me!!!

Like many of us, apparently, I’ve experienced men who don’t like to cuddle… who exert themselves physically and then roll over to immediately pass out, or get up for a smoke. And, now it seems I will no longer have to feel that void with the newest innovative product on the market: My After Sex Buddy. It’s a cute little cuddly guy designed to replace the real thing when he fails to keep giving!

My After Sex Buddy does bear an unfortunate resemblance to SpongeBob Square Pants, but one can overlook that. He’s cute in his own way, doesn’t fart or belch, has these adorable box shorts and even better-he can be microwaved to provide additional warmth. With this little guy and a good set of sex toys we could actually do away with men! Novel thought. And, if someone would just design a toy-sized harness to attach a dildo, then well…… What more do I need to say.

To order yours or just to get further ammunition against your non-cuddling guy, here’s the website.  Hint, my birthday is this summer and I’d love to have one- I’ve got a vacancy in my bed right now.

Flirting, Sex, and Other Man-Woman Topics

We went to the bar last night. My girlfriend is in town for a few weeks and this particular bar is our favorite hang-out. They even gave us a plaque one year for being such good customers!  Make my momma proud!

So, we went to have fun, in a very mature, safety-oriented kind of way. And, as you can see we make it home safely.  Here’s the thing.  We met the most delightful man. He was funny, engaging and delighted to sit with us. He started a decent bit away then asked to join us, and of course we said yes.

It was a challenge for me.  He was so open and very funny, a great conversationalist but not too self-centered. He was charming and yet managed to casually drop in the line about the wife at home waiting for him. I had already sensed that flirting would be a not so great idea and wanted to prove to myself and the bartender (another story) that I could have a normal conversation with a man and not flirt. I wanted to get up and move next to him so we could talk more easily but I didn’t trust myself  not to touch his arm or something. And, in the end it was a wise move (or not move) on my part. As we all parted ways he gave me his card and we talked about writing. He’s interested in hearing more about what I do and I think there may be networking possibilities.  Wouldn’t that be cool!  He suggested we meet at the bar for a drink, I know it’s not a come-on as he’s very devoted to his wife and talked freely about his relationship with her.  Very cool.

Sex: I’ve come to a major realization here.  ha.  I like sex. And I want good, steamy sex that starts with a slow simmer and intensifies. And, where the hell am I going to find that?  I’m sure I have a friend, well maybe two, who would be happy to service me but that ain’t gonna cut it. Because, while it’s good and fun, affectionate and satsifying in a way, it wouldn’t be the real mattress-gripping, heart pounding stuff. Oy!

Other man-woman topics? Well, that’s just to round out the title. There are no other topics. That’s it. Unless you’re married and need to discuss toilet lid, up or down. Socks on the floor and the weekend’s sports schedule. I don’t have to do that…