Aging: The Good, The Bad and Occasionally, The Ugly

I’m old enough to remember that oldie  staring  Clint Eastwood was in his prime. Young enough to  protest over the whole “aging” thing.

Here is a snippet of my old age digest:

• Got a invite this week to be the test guinea pig for a lingerie company that wants a  “midlifer” to try out one of their corsets. Of course I said yes and already have my target audience of one lined up. I don’t know exactly what they’re looking for? As in written vs. photographic review. Will be taking bids for additional viewings or play sessions. Contact me here, discreetly, with a bid!
• Recently added some exercise to my daily life…I’m swimming at my mother’s retirement condo complex. Good news is that I’m slipping in and swimming alone (rules state you must swim with resident). Bad news is: Do people think I live there? ‘Cause that would suck to know that people assume I’m over 65!  Double-edged sword here. Quasi-depressing thought. Though, maybe I’ll meet a rich old coot in the pool who will be impressed with my physical prowess and offer to pay me to be his escort!
• Sexting. It’s for seniors too. Had a rousing episode just last night. Memorable. Never assume that being over 55 signals the end of one’s sex drive! My partner? 63 years of age and closing on 64. You twenty and thirty-somethings. You’ve got nothing on us older folk. A twenty year old wouldn’t have had the endurance to last long enough to enjoy every drop of our conversation. As it turned out, we’re a perfect match, achieving a level of rapture within (texting) seconds of each other!
• The whole invasive, tubes in all kinds of places, round of medical procedures is all over. The body/throat/stomach/intestines appear to be fine and intact. Got a throat stretch in the process, not to mention a thorough, healthy ‘cleaning’.  Only damage will be to the pocketbook.  (Note to you naysayers out there-under Obama Healthcare Colonoscopys are FREE, relatively speaking!) No more crap like that for another 10 years! Yippee.

Why this expose on my life as an “older” woman? I’ll be turning FIFTY EIGHT YEARS OLD next week. Holy Crap, Batman!

Really.

The Scent of a Woman

I want to share this story from a psychotherapist, Dr. Marty Klein who blogs at Sexual Intelligence, a well-researched, thoughtful look at matters pertaining to sexuality in our culture. This recent post talks about an experience he had at a hair salon :

You check in, then go into the changing room to remove and hang your blouse or shirt, and put on a smock. On a busy day, there might be six or seven garments on hangers in there. Many of them smell like their owners—some of them pretty nice. Not just the occasional perfume, but more often just the scent of a woman. Silk + woman. Cotton + woman. Made in China + woman.

In that little room, it’s intriguing to inhale a few times, then go out into the salon and speculate—which customer belongs to the cute black sleeveless top? Which one wears that white poly long-sleeved number with the sequins? Is the brunette the one who smells active yet clean, or is it the one with the perm?

None of them knows that a fellow customer enjoys their collective wardrobe, or thinks about who embodies which scent.

But it’s interesting to ask: Is the enterprise erotic or sexual? Is the activity sex? If not, why not? If so, could it be considered infidelity? If not, what about briefly touching one or another of these lived-in garments? What about imagining each of their owners putting on their chemises this morning? I even showed the seminar attendees a photo I’d taken of the salon’s changing room, complete with blouses (and shirts) on hangers. Many attendees were fascinated—who talks about this? Who admits this? (“admits,” because it’s a vaguely disreputable thing to do, isn’t it?) How should a psychologist think about this—is it “normal,” “kinky,” a “fetish,” not even worth mentioning? Maybe too embarrassing for a therapist to contemplate?………

After the morning session, one of the attendees approached me and smiled. “You talked about smelling the women’s clothes as erotic or sexual,” she said. “I think of it as sensual.”

“I totally agree,” I said, “depending on definitions. What’s the difference between sensual and erotic? Erotic and sexual?”

More importantly, what’s the difference between smelling a flower and smelling a woman’s white silk blouse? And why, in 21st-century America, does it matter so much? (The article has been edited here)

It’s an interesting topic and one that caught my eye as I had an experience of being with a man who took my bra as we’d taken it off and smelled it. It was an intimate moment for me and I think a sensual moment for him.  And, not something I’ll easily forget.

The Beat Goes On

His name is “Mike” ( a little anonymity here and humor as I have this thing  with men named Mike-unsuccessful ones you might note) and he’s 66.  He did take the time to respond to my email, but he thinks I’m too young for him????  Mentioned something about generational, “been there” kind of thing?    I beefed up my profile last week, moved back to the more provocative picture and added, way down at the bottom, the words good sex to my list of favorite things. I’m guessing that somehow that little word did it. He was disturbed, his words, I kid you not.

Needless to say we’re no longer communicating, though I sent him a delicately phrased email this morning describing what I felt was important in relationships, regarding sexuality:

Good sex is very important to me in a relationship; my marriage lacked that and it has been only in later relationships that I have come to value the role of sexuality and intimacy in a relationship. I hope to have that component in my 50s, my 60s and my 70′s. Eighties too, if I’m still kicking and w/ someone. What I might define as good sex will change over the years and is not necessarily, even now, the kind of activity one conjures up when thinking about 2 30 year olds. Satisfaction comes in different forms and is as much emotional as physical and is reciprocal. Giving and receiving pleasure in a kiss, a warm embrace or hand holding can be as sexual as the most intimate of acts. It’s all part of what I define as ‘good sex’.

I really am baffled by this, it is a first.  But, clearly we wouldn’t be a match at all. He is apparently into the 66 is just a precursor to the wheelchair and Depends phase of life. No thank you. I wanted to tell him that I’d recently dated a 66 year old who could fuck like a 30 year old….if he’d taken his Viagra. And, I’ve met men my age who can’t get it up. Sex as society defines it is intercourse. From my point of view that’s a very narrow definition of sex.

He doesn’t know what he’s missing!

Other delightful men I’ve seen lately. This guy’s headline reads:

I’ve met her – the one, on xyz. I’m smitten. So I’m no longer in the market to find a girlfriend. I recommend the site and would use it again but truly do not plan to need it. I found a keeper. I hope you find “the one”. Thank you for your interest in my profile. I wish you love.

I wrote to congratulate him and ask him why he was still online?

A recent wink from a guy was an unexpected delight. His online name had the word Love in it and the number 69. Original.

I look at various things when reading a profile and I love to see what books he has read, I think it tells me a bit about whether we’re going to be the least bit interested in each other. The most recent one had a line about reading books on seperation (his spelling) and divorce so he could get on with life.  Great that he’s reading and figuring things out.. not so great to be broadcasting how raw he still is to potential dates.

I’m about 11 days in my month of paid online dating and experiencing little success. But, it’s giving me wonderful fodder for thought and blogs, so what the heck.  Maybe I could call it research and count it as a business deduction?

This is the IM message I just got from a man in Louisiana, who supposed makes $ 150,000 a year.  His profile is written in a stilted language that I’ve come to recognize as that of someone who speaks English as a second language, or is just pranking me. The photos are of an all around American guy, even has the Golden Retriever by his side.

Though miles may lie between us, we’re never far apart, for friendship doesn’t count the miles, it’s measured by the heart and what you feel within you

He’s now inviting me to IM on Yahoo..I know where that’s going. I said No and cut the communication. Though I am half-tempted just to see how creative he might be! But, I have a dentist appointment this morning which is way more important than letting some guy get his jollies.  He is the 5th wink I’ve gotten since April 3.  It’s an old pattern , 3 of the 5 are from far off states and none seem very compatible at all. I think it’s my old friend at it again.

What’s a girl to do?

Do You or Don’t You?

Yesterday I was reading an advice blog and a female reader had written in to say that she didn’t like blowjobs and would never consider giving one. She was asking whether to tell a prospective guy that up front. The blogger suggested she wait and reveal that bit later, with other ‘bedroom’ conversation.

I understand that not everyone enjoys bjs and that’s certain their right. But, I wonder if taking such a resolute stand isn’t going to come back at her in the bedroom. I think of sex as a reciprocal act, with a balance of give and take. We perform certain sexual acts out of love and desire for the man or woman in our lives and ought to be open to a wider range of possibilities.  I agree that there may be some things that are absolutely off the table. I could name a few personal no no’s.  For instance, extreme bondage is not for me.  Absolutely no gags and no major pain. Otherwise, I might consider trying new things…it depends on what I’m being asked to do and how I’m feeling.

I would suggest to anyone out there who doesn’t like blow jobs to think about taking a new approach. How about engaging in some playtime with the penis…get to know it more intimately. A little caressing, maybe a hot soapy playtime in the shower before getting more intimate with Mr. P. Then give it a try, you don’t have to play Deep Throat and you don’t have to swallow to offer him some pleasure and enjoy the experience yourself.  !

The attitude of “I’m never going there!” seems limiting and negative.  Oral sex has long been considered risque and I know more than a few women who won’t give a blow job and some, though fewer, women who say their partner won’t give them oral sex. I think a life of just straight intercourse seems a little bland, but maybe it works for those couples? But, really…what could be more fun than being open to exploration with a partner you trust.  Learning to pleasure each other, finding those sensuous spots and being able to satisfy in the deepest of senses is what a full mutual adult experience of love and sex is all about.