I fulfilled my commitments with a smile and a dose of Southern graciousness. The beer pouring was fun; I was with a local nonprofit for writers where I’m a member. By the end of a three hour stint pouring beer I was covered in beer and reeked, but it was fun. I’m having lunch with the one of the founders on Friday-that will be nice.
On Sunday I made the 2 hour drive to see my guy friend and his 3 dogs. The new puppy is absolutely adorable as you can see from the last post. The guy’s still pretty good as well. This continues to be an undefined relationship, if you can call it that. And, I’m on the fence about how I feel and whether I’m simply having fun or wasting my time? It’s easy and comfortable and we act a long-married couple. Maybe it’s the thrills and chills I miss? The hot-to-trot aspect of a new relationship seems to be missing.. and since I’ve been asked to ‘not fall in love’ I am keeping the walls up a bit. The 2 night visit was all puppy and play- no conversation about anything challenging. I think we’re both on Match. I’m there because … he is. And him? Monogamy seems too close to marriage, I guess…. who knows. But, in the moment I can see that the time spent together is pleasant, so why not. If I should be fortunate enough to meet someone promising online I’d go out with him; the problem is that I’m comparing them all to Mike. And, I’m being pickier for some reason. Discernment in matters of the heart has never been one of my skills. to put it mildly
I’m such an idiot sometimes and this morning I’m in full discovery and disclosure… and it’s about to ruin the day. Because, as we all know, once you get irritated about one thing it’s easy for every thing else to go to hell in a handbasket.
I’m volunteering for a local nonprofit tonight, to pour beer tonight; it could rain, it’s hot as hell and I’ll be standing up, in the heat and direct sun, from 5:15 PM until 8 PM. Ugh. I volunteered. And, by 5 PM I’ll have my “isn’t this fun” hat on and it’ll be fine. But, right now I’m wishing I’d said no.
And, I volunteered to go help “Mike” with a new puppy- so I’m driving down there on Sunday to spend 2 nights helping w/ this new thing. And, I should have said no, that I had too much work to do and didn’t want to spend gas money for a man who isn’t going to advance my goals and objectives. How’s that for harsh and overly objective? But, I offered and I’ve committed so I’ll do it. And, it’ll be fine. I’m on the fence about him and this won’t really help…although living through a few sleepless nights together will certainly test our ‘niceness’.
So, as I kick myself this morning everything else seems wrong. I weigh 3 lbs. more than I did a few days ago. The blouse had mysterious stains on the sleeve. My kitchen is a mess and the cats are underfoot. And, on and on and on…………
So as I eat my Raisin Bran Crunch in jeans and a camisole (so as not to prematurely wrinkle newly ironed, stained white linen top) I will say a mantra of love and compassion and acceptance. Take a deep breath and take my blood pressure medicine. Oh, yeah.. And evoke the spirit of Julian of Norwich. “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”