A Man and His….Dog

I’ve finally become the wise old sex goddess I was destined for…. only things are not going quite as planned. Or maybe they are? My experience with men, varied and far too many, has led me to this Ah Ha moment.

Men are like dogs.

I’m not a dog owner so this is simply an observation. So often you see a happy dog roll over on his back, showing his stomach. Actually one of my cats does this-he cocks his head and looks at me to say “rub please”… all happy and eager. He’s on display and trying his best to get his owner’s attention.

Men like to show their, ahem…… dick. I’ve experienced this more times than my children would ever want to hear me express publicly.  It typically happens in one of two ways. The two of you are kissing and he’s getting excited. Invariably he’ll take your hand and force it and gently bring it over to his bulging pants. The touch is paired with a sigh or moan of delight. His.  Or, depending on your prior intimacy, he may unzip his pants. I’ve been in those experiences- we’re kissing or touching and I’m aware of hand movement. I look down and he’s pulled the damn thing out. Like a dog who’s just brought you a dead squirrel, dropping it at your feet.  Look what I’ve got! Pant, pant.  More often the comment is, “Look what you did to my <insert some genital name here>”.  At that point he’s excited and in discovery mode. You’d think the poor guy had never gotten an erection. Note: for older men the appearance of a hard blunt object often elicits awe at our divine powers.

I admit to having once or twice murmured in awe, but only at an exceptionally large specimen.

Swanlady, a frequent commenter, is visiting me for a few weeks. We were on my deck yesterday enjoying a Makers and ginger ale discussing this male phenomenon. And, here’s the thing-neither of us can ever recall a story of a woman whipping out a breast to proclaim excitement about an erect nipple. Well, she’s heard of it once. But, really.

What is it, guys? Can’t you keep it in your pants. Is an erection so spectacular that you have to make sure we feel it right then and there. Sofa… car… church parking lot…bar (surreptitiously)….darkened movie theater. C’mon. We’re adults.

I take great pleasure in the seductive arts. I love to touch, I’m just that kind of tactile woman. And, knowing that Viagra might not be needed is a big plus in any relationship. But, I outgrew Show and Tell a few years ago. You don’t need to press your pants material around your member and say, with a glazed over look, ‘check this out’  or ‘wanna feel my weiner’ etc….. There is a 50/50 chance that I’m going to go straight to ‘oh my God, another, f#*@ing pervert’.  Really.

If I want to stroke it, I know how to unzip your pants and I know how to take matters into my own hand.  Don’t shove that damn thing in my face when I’m not ready for it. OK?

Shotgun Wedding

And, in this case the shotgun should have turned towards the parents…figuratively, of course. Doug Hutchison (never heard of him), age 51, who was apparently in The Green Mile,  just married Courtney Stodden. SHE IS 16 YEARS OLD. And, her father, age 47,  is reported to have said  he was thrilled his daughter was marrying this man. Her mother says her baby is a good Christian girl and still a virgin. She’s happy with the marriage too.  Doug must be paying everyone off or they’re all drinking the Kool Aid.

I’m not sure why this isn’t considered illegal. I’m reminded of Jerry Lee Lewis, Hugh Hefner and child sex abusers all at the same time.  Miss Stodden apparently is a up and coming country music singer. Intrigued by the idea of a vision in hot pink with doggie dyed to match, I watched the video.  Yikes! She sucks. To put it bluntly.  Yeah, I’m bitching….call it jealousy.

I’m just speechless. And, wondering what it would take for me to score a marriage with some rich guy? I’d probably have to shoot for someone in his 80′s.

Here’s her video… Watch if you dare.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Here we go again!  I still have my profile up on an online dating site, as I indicated the other day.It’s just sitting there, the only thing I’ve done is to change the profile picture to something more sedate. That’s all.

Since late yesterday afternoon I’ve gotten 4 winks and 2 emails, all from different men. Supposedly. One is in Manhattan, one in NC and the others are in the same state I live in. Two wrote and one of them is in very stilted, poorly written language-as if it’s someone writing in a second language. There are capitalized words through out, words that indicate values and it’s this weird plea to be with me/someone forever. It’s all vaguely familiar.I won’t share an excerpt, because the writer could do a google alert on his words and find this, find me.

Several years ago this happened a few times, the record was about 12 within a 2 day span. As anyone who’s been involved in this dating world knows, that just doesn’t happen. I know I’m hot but… really?  I think someone’s messing fucking with me. And, I have my suspicions as to who it is. Harmless? I think so, but it is unnerving.

In the early to mid 2000′s I met a man and we began the typical online pattern, but then it just sort of spiralled. He would call my work with a silly fake accent asking absurd questions. He was playing and I, for some dumb reason, played along. It was an up and down rollercoaster of bipolar behavior. He’d take off then come back with a flurry of emails. It was oddly enchanting, in some perverse way and I was hungry for diversion.  I saw him maybe 4 times in the whole time, which stretched over a year or so. The last date lasted about 5 hours, the longest amount of time we ever spent together.  At the end he asked me to move to his city, spend my life with him… and, oh “by the way, could you lose a little weight” good for your health kinda comment. Obviously I said no. I’m not a total idiot. I saw him one more time after that, he popped into my work place one day to just say hello.

Sunday afternoon he reappeared. From a state many miles away with an email that pretended to be unsure if it was really me. I felt that he was up to his old tricks but I responded and we casually emailed for 2 days. There was an acknowledgment of how odd he acted back then, a sideways apology. Then a flurry of emails and a suggested road trip down to see me.  Then he dropped the bomb.  The sex content bomb…gradual at first, a hint or two. Trying to engage me in a sex talk via email.  I ignored it all then finally sent an email telling him that I wasn’t going ‘there’ and reminded him of the tumultuous  relationship we had the first time around. I mentioned words like slow and intentional, etc…  And, guess what? He has yet to respond.

I sent that email at 7:17 PM Tuesday night. Almost 24 hours later the winks and letters started!  Geez. I could be flattered, and I could be less skeptical and assume that all these men are interested, but that seems unlikely. When it happened the last time I wrote Match asking them to investigate. I worried that it might be a stalker, someone in my own community. I wanted them to see if all the emails and winks came from the same source. Their suggestion was for me to change my profile name (typical that in any stalking/assault situation rather than addressing the ‘bad’ behavior the one who feels threatened has to do all the compromising) which, as I told them, wasn’t realistic because if this man knew me he could easily find me by searching for city and approximate age range. They referred me to legal services and I let it go. I pulled my profile. And, when I went back on the next time, 6-8 months later it was under a different profile name.

I know it seems like a lot of work but I believe that one person created multiple profiles on the dating site, fabricating false identities.  Anyone can send a wink  but you have to be a paying member to send an email. Two of the  profiles even had photos of the same man, one from a magazine like International  Male or something. Creepy.

So, I’m just sitting with this. I could confront the guy and ask if it was him. I actually did tell him of the past crap and told him I assumed it was his doing. Of course he denied it. I’m  not feeling particularly threatened, at the moment. But if more come, I’ll send Match an email (though actually they appear to have me on their radar screen right now anyway   ) telling them and I’ll hide the profile. I’m just taking up space and this is just confirmation, yet again, of how screwy the dating world can be.

Addendum: As of noon, three of those people who winked have withdrawn their profiles… this is the same thing that happened last time!