I’ve finally become the wise old sex goddess I was destined for…. only things are not going quite as planned. Or maybe they are? My experience with men, varied and far too many, has led me to this Ah Ha moment.
Men are like dogs.
I’m not a dog owner so this is simply an observation. So often you see a happy dog roll over on his back, showing his stomach. Actually one of my cats does this-he cocks his head and looks at me to say “rub please”… all happy and eager. He’s on display and trying his best to get his owner’s attention.
Men like to show their, ahem…… dick. I’ve experienced this more times than my children would ever want to hear me express publicly. It typically happens in one of two ways. The two of you are kissing and he’s getting excited. Invariably he’ll take your hand and
force it and gently bring it over to his bulging pants. The touch is paired with a sigh or moan of delight. His. Or, depending on your prior intimacy, he may unzip his pants. I’ve been in those experiences- we’re kissing or touching and I’m aware of hand movement. I look down and he’s pulled the damn thing out. Like a dog who’s just brought you a dead squirrel, dropping it at your feet. Look what I’ve got! Pant, pant. More often the comment is, “Look what you did to my <insert some genital name here>”. At that point he’s excited and in discovery mode. You’d think the poor guy had never gotten an erection. Note: for older men the appearance of a hard blunt object often elicits awe at our divine powers.
I admit to having once or twice murmured in awe, but only at an exceptionally large specimen.
Swanlady, a frequent commenter, is visiting me for a few weeks. We were on my deck yesterday enjoying a Makers and ginger ale discussing this male phenomenon. And, here’s the thing-neither of us can ever recall a story of a woman whipping out a breast to proclaim excitement about an erect nipple. Well, she’s heard of it once. But, really.
What is it, guys? Can’t you keep it in your pants. Is an erection so spectacular that you have to make sure we feel it right then and there. Sofa… car… church parking lot…bar (surreptitiously)….darkened movie theater. C’mon. We’re adults.
I take great pleasure in the seductive arts. I love to touch, I’m just that kind of tactile woman. And, knowing that Viagra might not be needed is a big plus in any relationship. But, I outgrew Show and Tell a few years ago. You don’t need to press your pants material around your member and say, with a glazed over look, ‘check this out’ or ‘wanna feel my weiner’ etc….. There is a 50/50 chance that I’m going to go straight to ‘oh my God, another, f#*@ing pervert’. Really.
If I want to stroke it, I know how to unzip your pants and I know how to take matters into my own hand. Don’t shove that damn thing in my face when I’m not ready for it. OK?