I Want Life To Be Easy

I can’t sit still. I need to work and yet a million things flow through my head. The rewrite, the moss on the roof, sticks in the yard, the forgotten payment I still haven’t mailed. Where to query? What can I do (as she pauses remembering the 2 lottery tickets from yesterday…win the lottery and then just delete the post) …

Sigh. I’m back.

I’m numb. Then I’m anxious. Restless, caught in a spiral of denials and letting go and regrets. Looking for a quick fix. An easy answer.

I want life to be easy.

It’s the statement that floats around my head these days. It’s not that I don’t understand the difficulty of life. It’s not that I haven’t encountered, tackled and continue to handle incredibly difficult situations. But, I’m not really accepting that Life Is Not Easy. That means I have to work harder. Like my life depended on it.

Where’s my safety net? Safety nets. Don’t we all have more than one?

I let go of one last week. It’s knocked me on my ass. It was the ‘don’t worry, I’m not really alone’ net. One I’ve been clutching to for years, almost 9.

Funny. I’ve had to let go of all kinds of shit in the last 30 days.

• The colonoscopy/endoscopy procedures done under the same sedation. We all know that kind of letting go that entailed. Plus the trust that all would go well and nothing serious would be discovered.
• The clog in my pipes. Water on laundry room floor, sewage in guest shower stall. TWICE
• Four or five days without power. I lost a refrigerator and 2 freezers full of food. Every fucking condiment I owned had to be thrown away. All the wonderful jams, pestos, sauces, exotic mustards. Dumped. And, of course I can’t replace them all. The frig looked beautiful. I’ve always loved white space so a moment of rejoicing! (ha ha)
• My vision of life as easy-peasy. No more thinking I can casually find work, money, fame, happiness, the best sex on the planet, the ideal man. It’s the casual part I am having to grapple with.

Hmm… Only five little deadly bullet points. It feels like more. It is. I let go of something, someone, I needed to let go of a long time ago. Done it before, but never permanently. My safety net. My love. The one I want but can’t have.

I  knew we’d never have more and have struggled mightily at times, expending life-sucking energy, to “be ok” with my choice. That’s what brings numbness, it keeps me from sitting on the left side of the sofa. Nostalgic over coffee on Wednesday mornings. Temporarily losing my sex drive (GAWD, I know, but really it’s a good thing…there is no one around to play with!) . Turning the bottle of Wild Turkey to the corner, like a bad boy, so I can’t see the label–which is way better than just drinking the damn stuff in one sitting.

Yes, I’m whining. Part grief, part story-telling. Part exorcism.

We all let go. Life isn’t easy for any of us. I know that. You know that. Some days are better than others:

Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you’re quick, but most days you’re speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us

 

 

Mojo? Voodoo!

Clearly The Universe wants me to live-but it wants me to experience challenge…every fucking nanosecond of the day.

Computer works like a dream. “Old” computer sits idly by taunting and reminding me of the wireless mouse mischief.

Coffee pot has been continuing its Exorcist like possession until this morning. Monday. Cold. Coffee pot won’t do any anything. Not even pretend there are beans to grind. I am forced to heat water on stove and pour it in manually. Not sure how to proceed but I guarantee that the next pot will NOT be a Cuisinart. This is the second one, identical model, that has failed. Of course, I’ll investigate shipping it off for repairs but suspect it’s not worth the money and hassle of standing in line at the post office.

As if last week weren’t stressful enough, on Friday night at approximately 7:31 PM, my 500 gallon oil tank ran dry. Bringing both furnaces to a sputtering, chugging halt. I live in my ex’s childhood home. A delightful house in the woods with ceiling to floor windows for 60% of the walls. Old, 1959 windows…with no curtains. And, cathedral ceilings. In the woods-very little sunshine. Love it and hate it.

I use the same oil company my father-in-law used. They have not modernized so there is no answering machine, no emergency service and no contact information on their office door. I’ve had a chilly weekend-heating with the double oven, doors open, a space heater, electric blanket and 3 shirts most of the time.

I’m hopeful that simply giving me oil will work. I can only buy at increments, as a full tank probably costs $1600-$1800. And, last year when this happened it screwed up the furnaces when they sucked up the sludge from the bottom of the tank,  which necessitated a service call from heating/cooling guys!  Fingers crossed as I can’t imagine having to ‘do’ the service guy in exchange for a discount.

Really, people. Enough. Really.

I contemplated myself from some remote, cloud-like distance at some point this weekend. Saturday night probably, I was supplementing heat sources with bourbon (How can she bitch about money when she obviously has money for booze?    ‘Cause ya know one of you is thinking that) . And wondered why I wasn’t more stressed out overall and how I manage to put on a pleasant face and go about my business. I thank some cosmic force for not giving me the suicidal gene. The combination of cold, tight finances, a third night of spaghetti and no man in my life….and let’s not forget the lovely cheerful rampant consumerism that is Christmas, is really getting to me.

Really. Now it’s time to nuke the coffee, pop into a cool shower and put on my game face for another exciting day at a job I hate. Happy Monday to you too.

Who’s Messing with My Mojo?

Really… can’t we just have some peaceful sailing here.

My recent, and third, part-time job has morphed into a bit of a nightmare. What started as marketing and writing is becoming a push for me to do hard sales tactics! At an embarrassing low rate of pay in a disorganized way of doing business.  I think I’m trying to quit but it doesn’t seem to be happening.

The guy I had one date with 2 months ago, wrote last night to ask when I was going to get around to calling/emailing him!  ????

Finances got even tighter last week when the computer started acting up. Hours of troubleshooting, consults with techie types and hundreds of dollars later (put on a credit card) I bought a new computer-on credit. Guess what? The problem was my old wireless mouse. The computer was fine.  One can only laugh at this latest bit of mischief from the Universe. While learning to type on 2 (perfectly good) computers simultaneously.

Yesterday, out of the blue, the coffee pot, the expensive fancy coffee pot, starts to grind coffee beans–beans that aren’t there!  Did it again this morning. Is it possessed? I’ll have to start drinking instant, as repair is out of the question.

I am sure there is a bright side out there somewhere but for the life of me I’m not sure what it is. This is just like a comedic-psycho-drama. I headed out this morning to see the about-to-be former boss with a fake smile and a big dose of ‘suck it up, baby’.  Driving down the road I came up on a dead squirrel in the road, with one leg/arm straight  in the air. I burst out laughing… hilarity bordering on hysteria. Was the squirrel going down fighting or crying ‘uncle’? Whatever the real story, it brightened the morning.

As I write now. I’ve not been let go, I’ve actually agreed to stay on with a revamped position that is just the things I want to do and not the stuff I can’t stand doing. No pay raise, but the customized bit was pretty sweet.

Feeling better. Almost as good as if I’d had a fabulous tumble under the sheets.